Hangin' on Posco Pier!
LOS ANGELES — The ongoing military presence in downtown Los Angeles has claimed its first casualty. Gambit, a Marine Corps working dog, was shot and killed during a visit by Secretary of Homeland Security Kristi Noem, who allegedly feared for her safety. Share Witnesses say the 55-pound Belgian Malinois was leashed and fully compliant when […]
GRANDMA’S HOUSE, USA — Multiple sources report that your grandmother is very worried about “all this Middle East business” and just wants to know if you were on one of those airplanes that recently bombed Iran. Share “She’s been worried sick,” said your mother, even though you are not a pilot or mission commander, and […]
THE PENTAGON — As tensions between Israel and Iran continue to swell, the United States reaffirmed its unwavering commitment to regional stability by launching a full-scale invasion of Iraq, sources confirmed today. Initially framed as a “measured response” to both Israel’s and Iran’s escalatory behavior, the operation took an unexpected turn when someone reminded Defense […]
WASHINGTON — One week after the United States Army marked its 250th birthday with pageantry, pyrotechnics, and more PowerPoint than any rational force should endure, a surprising historical revelation emerged from the archives: a previously unknown chapter from Baron Friedrich Von Steuben famed “Blue Book,” detailing a drill move known as “pimp stepping.” Share The […]
NAVAL STATION NORFOLK, Va. — After months of losing multi-million-dollar aircraft to the ocean — a known enemy of aviation — the U.S. Navy has completed retrofitting its F/A-18 Super Hornets to operate beneath the sea. “As of this week, Navy pilots can fly, float, or flail in any environment,” said a visibly relieved Adm. […]
THE PENTAGON — After a lukewarm performance at President Donald Trump’s birthday parade, Army brass gathered in the E-Ring for an after-action review and ultimately concluded that the “parade could have been an email,” sources confirmed today. “We’re catching heat for troops phoning it in,” said Army Secretary Daniel Driscoll, who anonymously leaked the meeting […]
HONOLULU — The commander of U.S. Indo-Pacific Command has begun hiding AGM-114 Hellfire missiles, Mk84 Joint Direct Attack Munitions, 20 millimeter Vulcan rounds, HIMARS rockets, and other munitions under his bed in the wake of Israel’s attack on Iranian nuclear facilities, sources confirmed today. Share “I’m not letting those goddamn CENTCOM punks steal from me […]
WASHINGTON — President Donald J. Trump announced today he will not be marching in Saturday’s march to honor the Army’s 250th anniversary, citing a sudden and severe resurgence of bone spurs— a condition historically known for flaring up at the exact moment when patriotism becomes physically demanding. Share “Believe me, nobody respects the troops more […]
SAN ANTONIO, Texas — The fate of the 747 slated as the new Air Force One, recently gifted from the government of Qatar, is in doubt. In a surprising decision, the Defense Counterintelligence and Security Agency (DCSA) denied the aircraft a top-level security clearance because of what officials call a “staggering amount” of close foreign […]
FORT IRWIN, California — Fort Irwin will be renamed to Fort Hitler in honor of Army Cpl. Johann A. Hitler, a German immigrant who served heroically with the Union Army during the Civil War, Army officials announced today. Share The decision, approved by a panel of Army historians in line with guidance from President Donald […]