Hangin' on Posco Pier!
WASHINGTON — Recruiting is a known issue within the Department of Defense. While many branches have tried to lean on the core benefits of military service, such as pride, honor, personal fulfillment, and “free” healthcare, the results have not been fruitful. But the Navy has employed a novel approach, recruiting technologically adept virgins, or incels, […]
FORT BENNING, Ga. — Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth heaped praise on the last ever female to complete the Army’s “Best Ranger” competition, sources confirmed today. “A woman?” said Hegseth. “A woman completed Best Ranger? Have the president and I not been clear about how we feel about these bit… I mean, female service members? I’ve […]
THE PENTAGON — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth has released a new set of sweeping policies intended to “de-gay” the military, sources confirmed today. In response to pushback about early, unexplained changes since taking over at the Pentagon, Hegseth included his rationale for each policy in a written memo, which was subsequently leaked to Duffel […]
THE PENTAGON — Tariffs on products from China have halted Department of Defense plans for a Trade Wars Service Medal (TWSM), disappointing service members and delaying recognition of the ongoing financial fracas between the U.S. and the nations that use money to buy things. Share Fred Faädar of the DOD Office of Heraldry and Bedazzling […]
VATICAN CITY — Tragedy struck the Catholic world on Monday after His Holiness Pope Francis unexpectedly passed away — really this time — so he could avoid spending any more time with American POG Vice President J.D. Vance. Share Though Vatican officials insist the timing of the Pope’s death was “purely coincidental,” anonymous clergy sources […]
WASHINGTON — In a packed press conference at Nationals Park, Rear Adm. Bobby “Base Hit” Schmidt, Chief of Naval Research, outlined a Navy initiative to replace the service’s aging torpedoes with revolutionary torpedo bats, sources confirmed today. Share “We’re getting back to basics,” said Schmidt. “No guidance systems, no explosive payloads—just a 34-inch, 32-ounce piece […]
FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Pfc. Dylan McAllister, a self-proclaimed apolitical soldier, is absolutely thrilled about his upcoming deployment to the Middle East, where he will be tasked with countering the latest geopolitical nightmare of Russian-backed Chinese Iranians, sources confirmed today. Share “I’ll agree to this interview so long as we don’t touch on politics,” McAllister […]
THE PENTAGON — As part of the Department of Defense’s purge of materials related to diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI), Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth announced today that the famed 54th Massachusetts Volunteer Infantry Regiment’s Civil War accomplishments would be stricken from Army records, sources confirmed today. Share “I’ve been clear that anything diminishing the awesome […]
WASHINGTON — Declaring that America has spent “far too long celebrating people just because they went to some war,” convicted felon and current President Donald Trump officially declared war on the country’s veterans Monday, citing “military favoritism” and “disrespect toward those of us who dared to stay home.” Share Trump, who avoided service in Vietnam […]
THE PENTAGON — In his ongoing effort to increase military lethality and combat readiness, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth has issued a new directive that “racial and sexual” insults will now not only be allowed, but their use will also be mandatory, sources confirmed today. Share “The military is supposed to be full of fearless […]