Hangin' on Posco Pier!
WASHINGTON — In the middle of the night on Jan. 29, a terrible aviation accident occurred when an Army Blackhawk helicopter collided with a regional airliner, killing everyone onboard both aircraft. After such a horrific tragedy, citizens across the United States have many questions: how did this happen? What went wrong? These are best left […]
WASHINGTON — Benevolence and compassion won the day as the Pentagon announced that the United States Space Force will be allowed to sleep indoors tonight due to the unusually cold weather gripping much of the country by the balls. The decision comes as temperatures across the nation plunge to record lows, and meteorologists warn of […]
Photo credit: Rita Willaert NEW PYONGYANG, UKRAINE — In a surprising turn of events, a North Korean soldier’s first experience with a Sharpie has led to an unexpected existential and simultaneously predictable outcome. Upon being handed the magic marker, Private Kim Lee Park immediately drew a highly detailed and impressively veiny penis. Share “I was […]
WASHINGTON — In its efforts to identify and eliminate waste in the federal government, the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) announced today that it could not physically locate a single chief warrant officer to fire. “We’ve been told that chief warrant officers were among the most inefficient of all government employees,” said DOGE department head […]
THE PENTAGON — The Department of Defense has been feverishly brainstorming and implementing increasingly “woke” initiatives in a desperate bid to keep Fox News contributor, non-profit mismanager, and potential insider threat Pete Hegseth perpetually busy as the new Pentagon leader. The goal? To provide Hegseth with a never-ending stream of content to rail against, ensuring […]
MAR-A-LAGO, Fla. — Tesla founder Elon Musk announced on Monday that Donald Trump will serve as commander-in-chief for the next four years, describing the decision as a “logical step forward for democracy—or at least what’s left of it after we’re done.” The announcement is the latest in a series of moves Musk has made on […]
WASHINGTON — Pete Hegseth began his confirmation hearing this week for Defense Secretary with effusive support from Senators Markwayne “Fists of Fury” Mullin and Tommy “Don’t forget he coached Auburn” as well as heated questions from Senators Tammy Duckworth, Tim “Not Walz” Kaine. Yet Hegseth handled the questioning ably by asserting that he was “not […]
THE PENTAGON — Weeks after a Navy F/A-18F Super Hornet was shot down in a friendly fire incident, the Chief of Naval Operations directed all fighter jets to be outfitted with reflective belts, effective immediately. Bypassing the standard safety investigation in favor of swift action, CNO Adm. Lisa Franchetti announced the new measure yesterday. Share […]
THE PENTAGON — Judging by the wistful and forlorn nature of the Pentagon’s latest policy on the use of artificial intelligence, experts say it is clear that the document’s author wrote it during a difficult breakup with his AI girlfriend. “There’s clearly something personal about this policy. It focuses far too little on information security […]
WASHINGTON — After weeks of meetings with senators where he tried to explain that he didn’t actually mean what he said two months ago about women and gays in the military, Secretary of Defense nominee Pete Hegseth announced a new policy that he would implement on his first day in office. “There have been a […]