Hangin' on Posco Pier!
GRAND RAPIDS, Mich. — During a recent campaign rally in Michigan, supporters and potential voters of the Harris-Walz ticket got a glimpse of Governor Tim Walz’s previous career as an Army sergeant major when a sleepy rallygoer brought out Walz’s inner senior noncommissioned officer. “This is a campaign of joy and looking forward!” the former […]
CHICAGO, IL — The American eating industry is engulfed in scandal as two beloved food icons accuse each other of making half-baked claims about their military rank and service record, sources confirmed today. The recipe for controversy began when long-time KFC spokesman Colonel Sanders questioned Cap’n Crunch, the famed cereal front man. Sanders noticed that […]
CAMP PENDLETON, Calif. — In a stunning move hailed as a victory for service members with peculiar interests, the U.S. Marine Corps announced today that it will update its barracks pet policy to allow each Marine to keep one small animal, catboy, or furry in their quarters. The policy change, which goes into effect next […]
SEATTLE, Wash. — The Army has established a new branch: The Virtue Signal Corps. The operational support branch is responsible for self-righteous, performative displays of arbitrary moral superiority across all domains of warfare, with particular emphasis on telecommunications, networks, and cyberspace. Share The U.S. Army Virtue Signal Corps motto is “Cause du Jure.” The heraldry flags […]
FORT LAUDERDALE, Fla. — Viewers of last night’s historic and first-ever Vice Presidential debate between two enlisted veterans — former Marine JD Vance and retired soldier Tim Walz — perhaps noticed that it was sponsored by two enlisted icons: Rip It energy drinks and ZYN nicotine pouches. At a loud and raucous press conference at Rip It headquarters, […]
CAMP PENDLETON, Calif. — Sen. J.D. Vance, a former public affairs Marine, has reportedly secured a light-duty chit to avoid a high-stakes debate with retired Sgt. Maj. Tim Walz as both vie for the vice presidency. The showdown between the two veterans—one a polished Yale graduate with a flair for bedazzled press releases and manicures, […]