Hangin' on Posco Pier!
In what can only be described as the most significant military showdown since Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked Communism out of existence, the upcoming vice presidential debate features two heavyweights of military service: one a former Marine journalist, the other a former Army National Guard artilleryman. Naturally, this calls for moderators who understand the intricacies of national security and […]
Sgt. 1st Class Horst Entengesicht of the Minnesota National Guard’s 135th Infantry Regiment plans his attack on OPFOR during exercise QUACK A DOODLE DOO. (Source: Department of Defense) FORT MCCOY, Wis. — It’s an age-old question: would you rather fight a horse-sized duck or one hundred duck-sized horses? Army Sgt. 1st Class Horst Entengesicht of […]
ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL — After the issue of what does or does not count as a deployment emerged as an issue in the 2024 election, polls have shown that vice presidential candidate Tim Walz, a retired National Guard sergeant major, is rapidly gaining support among the crucial demographic of “guys who consider Kuwait a […]
THE PENTAGON — As the nation reckons with the aftermath of a second assassination attempt on former President Trump, the Department of Defense is actively looking for ways to prevent this from ever happening again while examining how the attacks were thwarted. The former President has survived both attacks on his life, and top Pentagon […]
MIRAMAR, Calif. — Gunnery Sgt. Tom Bluto reads at the third-grade level and won’t stop saying the word “demure,” sources confirmed today. Data reflects that he peppers the phrase into 37% of sentences, almost always using it incorrectly and sometimes pronouncing it “duh-moor.” The suspicious behavior began last week, leaving his Marines baffled as they […]
MAR-A-LAGO, Fla. – Shortly following a second apparent assassination attempt against former president Donald Trump, secret service agents detailed to him admitted that the looming threat of violence they have to contend with is reminiscent of something only hardened soldiers or young children are usually exposed to. “It’s like living in a school zone,” said […]
THE PENTAGON — In a shocking revelation that has left troops nationwide questioning their dietary choices, the Department of Defense announced today that the meat served in military dining facilities (DFACs) for decades has been a mix of cats, dogs, and an occasional wet market bat. Col. William Boyardee, U.S. Special Operations Command’s Snack Officer, […]
BERKELEY, Calif. — In a move lauded by the Berkeley City Council as “inspirational,” the city’s Home Depot unveiled a new initiative to honor America’s heroes in a distinctly local way. Described by store manager William Klink as the catalyst for institutional enlightenment, military service members and veterans will now automatically qualify for a 10% “America’s […]
KABUL — In a surprise move that has sent shockwaves around the country, the terrorist group al Qaeda has announced plans to commemorate the 23rd anniversary of the September 11 attacks by organizing an “Honor Flight” to New York City. The group, which was responsible for the 2001 attacks that claimed nearly 3,000 lives and […]
WASHINGTON — In a twist that has left the nation bewildered, Air Force One made an emergency landing at a Dairy Queen in Columbus, Ohio, on Monday. Initial reports claimed the plane had been hacked, but the truth is far more surprising: President Joe Biden was behind the controls. The 81-year-old Commander-in-Chief, long known for […]