Hangin' on Posco Pier!
THE PENTAGON — The Department of Defense will stand down indefinitely due to the Department’s Microsoft Office subscription recently expiring, Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin announced last night in a Pentagon press conference. Chaos ensued throughout the week as American service members worldwide were unable to access their Microsoft Outlook accounts, halting communication worldwide. “The […]
FORT MOORE, Ga. — As the world’s potential hot spots change and technology evolves, America’s fighting force constantly seeks new ways to remain both lethal and effective. Nowhere is this more prevalent than at Fort Moore, Georgia, the home of the United States Army Sniper School. Established in 1987 at what was then Fort Benning, […]
THE PENTAGON — In a move that has both cybersecurity experts and teenagers equally bewildered, the Pentagon announced today that Discord, a popular communications platform favored by gamers, has won a lucrative contract to host top-secret government servers. The decision comes after high-ranking officials reportedly got “really into Among Us lobbies” and appreciated the platform’s […]
FORT MEADE, Md. — The U.S. Army is trying out a new tactic to beat its recruiting shortfalls: reverse psychology. “I remember watching the pickup artist when I was a junior officer,” said Maj. Gen. Johnny Davis, commanding general of Army Recruiting Command. “That guy would basically trick women into sleeping with him by being […]
MILWAUKEE, Wis. — Rising from behind a podium and wiping his chin with the back of his hand, J.D. Vance proudly accepted former President Donald J. Trump’s invitation to serve as his running mate and candidate for Vice President of the United States. If elected, Vance would break ground as both the first Marine and […]
WASHINGTON — Citing a host of international and domestic priorities and a busy election season, Congress has redirected American aid for Ukraine to a single Combined Federal Campaign donation line, sources confirmed today. “CFC EIN #782898, LUV4Ukraine, is now open to all military service members and federal employees seeking to support our Ukrainian allies in […]
WASHINGTON — The Pentagon has given the green light to a new plan aimed at ridding the military of all joy, sources confirmed today. The decision comes following extensive research that showed sad people weighed .23 ounces less than happy individuals, with fuel savings from lighter soldiers estimated to save $327 over the next five […]
WASHINGTON — The U.S. Army will begin using artificial intelligence-powered non-commissioned officers to help with an ongoing manpower and recruiting crisis, the Army’s top leader announced today. “Most soldiers communicate with their NCOs these days through text,” said Chief of Staff Gen. Randy George. “So why not give them a digital NCO they can get […]
LAWRENCE, Kansas — Lt. Col. Brent Patrick, commander of the University of Kansas Army Reserve Officer Training Corps (ROTC) program, somehow did not fuck a cadet during his command, sources confirmed today. “We are checking our data because obviously this is unprecedented,” said Maj. Gen. Antonio Munera, Commanding General of Cadet Command. “And yet, against […]
WASHINGTON — Shortly after a near-miss assassination attempt on former President Donald Trump, President Joe Biden held a press conference to remind everyone that he has presidential immunity. Share “Thanks to a recent ruling by the Supreme Court, I have complete immunity,” Biden told reporters. “Not that I had anything to do with those potshots […]