Hangin' on Posco Pier!
By As For Class Attention all potential buyers! Are you tired of your current second lieutenant being just… a second lieutenant? Are you in need of an upgrade? Look no further, because we have the perfect second lieutenant for you! This top-of-the-line second lieutenant has all the features you could want in a junior officer: […]
By Bad Lawyer WASHINGTON — The U.S. Space Force introduced its first camouflage uniforms on Friday, which were revealed to be a package of adhesive glow-in-the-dark stars from Amazon. According to officials, Space Force Guardians should attach the peel-and-stick stars no more than 6 inches apart over their currently issued blues during combat operations or […]
WASHINGTON — The U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs has announced plans to eliminate charges associated with its Veterans Crisis Line and says it will make the service toll-free by 2030. As it currently stands, callers to the hotline must pay 22 cents per minute on top of a nonrefundable $40 deposit. According to the VA […]
By As For Class WASHINGTON — The U.S. Army said today it would replace traditional combatives training with a new hand-to-hand combat program designed by Waffle House employees. According to sources, top brass at the Pentagon have been impressed by the quick thinking and formidable fighting skills displayed by Waffle House staff during late-night brawls […]
German Leopard tanks used by the Polish army and the AHS Krab, a 155 mm NATO-compatible self-propelled tracked gun-howitzer, are seen at a training ground in Nowa Deba on Sept. 21, 2022. Officials are considering sending these to Ukraine along with massive signs declaring to all parties in the war that they are not tanks […]
By As For Class FORT WORTH, Texas — The F-35 has a problem many men can understand: ejectile dysfunction. The $400 billion stealth fighter jet—designed to dominate the skies, protect our country from harm, and blow a lifetime’s worth of tax dollars—has recently been diagnosed with an unfortunate case of ED. Recent events have served […]
By As For Class THE PENTAGON — The newly appointed Sergeant Major of the Army (SMA) announced today that every single member of the military, from privates to generals, will now be required to wear a green beret. “We’ve been experimenting with different headgear for years, and we’ve finally settled on the green beret as […]
WASHINGTON — A White House staffer changed the “days without a security incident” sign back to zero this morning after aides found additional classified documents in President Biden’s personal residence, sources confirmed today. “Guess we’re not getting a pizza party this week,” said Kenneth Franklin, a 23-year-old West Wing staffer, after he changed the sign […]
By As For Class WASHINGTON — In a shocking move, the Navy has announced that it will be replacing the outdated Windows XP operating system with the beloved Nintendo 64 system on all of its ships. “We think this will give us the best chance to defend ourselves against swarming carts and explosive barrels flung […]
By Slab Squatthrust SAN DIEGO — Boatswain’s Mate 1st Class Paul Gould took an extended deep breath and a long pause before calling for help from the Coast Guard after his vessel started taking on water outside Coronado, a U.S. Coast Guard San Diego official told reporters. The Coast Guard received the reluctant distress call […]