Hangin' on Posco Pier!
HADDONFIELD, Ill. — The military’s recruiting woes aren’t just impacting the active-duty services. Gary Strode, 9, decided to dress as an Army recruiter this year for Halloween and missed his candy goal by a shocking 20 percent. “For years I was the star candy-getter,” said pretend Army Staff Sgt. Strode. “You could count on me […]
Marines using computers recently for the first time ever in Beaufort, South Carolina. By As for Class WASHINGTON — The Marine Corps is modernizing and plans to start using computers by the year 2030, a Corps official said today. “We were excited to put in the research and roll up our sleeves,” said Lt. Col. […]
MOSCOW — Tensions continue to rise in Ukraine after Russia’s President Vladimir Putin warned Russia to stop providing weapons to the Ukrainian military. “The Special Military Operation currently underway in Ukraine will be won decisively by Russia, that much is certain,” said Putin to a graduating class of conscripts just before they were to be […]
WASHINGTON — Army Secretary Christine Wormuth emphasized the service’s priority value of shitting on honorable officers by holding up the severed head of Army Maj. Gen. Patrick Donahoe during a recent speech at the Association of the U.S. Army (AUSA) annual meeting, sources confirmed today. “I wanted to make an example of him,” she said […]
By Whiskey Fueled Tirade FORT HOOD, Texas — The Army confirmed today that Capt. Court Massengill has become the first actual douchebag to be promoted to major. “Major Massengill has been a refreshing addition to our battalion staff,” Lt. Col. Eve Summers told the Duffel Blog before pinning gold oak leaves on the young field […]
By BYOBooyah TAMPA, Fla. — After NFL Superstar Tom Brady stirred controversy this week by comparing an NFL season to military deployment, Brady amended those comments by clarifying that “Kuwait isn’t a real deployment.” Brady, a seven-time Super Bowl winner, made his initial comparison when discussing the kind of single-minded focus he believes it takes […]
By Off the Beaten Path ANDERSEN AIR FORCE BASE, Guam — Air Force service members participating in a morale-building jet ski event on deployment in Guam say they are “disgusted” with Tom Brady. “I simply cannot believe the audacity of this guy to compare playing a kid’s game to what we go through on deployment,” […]
By Slab Squatthrust AMITY ISLAND — The U.S. Coast Guard has released dramatic footage of a shark being rescued after being attacked by a crazed and mentally disturbed off-duty police chief. The footage taken onboard a Coast Guard cutter showed a defenseless shark swimming near the bay when a dusty old vessel called the Orca […]
If it works it works. (Photo: 25th Infantry Division) By As For Class FORT BENNING, Ga. — Army Spc. Jessy Jessup III revealed to his squad today that the secret to crushing the new Army Combat Fitness Test (ACFT) is, in fact, methamphetamines. “We sort of always knew something was going on with Jessup. We […]
Photo by Ivan Aleksic on Unsplash DONETSK — A Russian Army officer in the Donbas region of Ukraine is earning high praise from officials in Moscow after his introductory speech to new recruits touting his “open window” policy went viral on social media. “Welcome to the Russian Army, it is so wonderful to have you […]