Hangin' on Posco Pier!
MOSCOW — Just days after awarding former NSA contractor Edward Snowden honorary Russian citizenship, the Russian government confirmed that Snowden has been drafted into the Russian army to fight in Ukraine. The 39-year-old NSA leaker had just finished accepting his citizenship and talking about the importance of oversight in government intelligence operations when Russian President […]
FORT LEONARD WOOD — Charles Graner, a key figure in the infamous Abu Ghraib torture scandal, assumed responsibility for the 787th Military Police Battalion on Wednesday. In his speech, Graner promised to “lead from the back by taking the easy wrong over the hard right” and promised to show soldiers “the proper way to attach […]
MOSCOW — The Russian Army plans to modify its fitness test to include the drop, scream, and run event, sources confirmed today. The test is said to reflect the type of actions Russian soldiers face during the War Special Military Operation in Ukraine. The test features soldiers dropping a simulated AK-12 (Mossin-Nagants and pointy sticks […]
KREMLIN— American basketball star Brittney Griner was released from Russian penal colony Ryazan on Friday after first-round draft picks, according to Russian state media. Griner was immediately sent to the front lines of the Russian special military operation in Ukraine for six months (or until she is killed), said Dmitry Peskov, press secretary of the […]
NATIONAL HARBOR, Md. — When the United States Space Force introduced its official song this week, extraterrestrial life forms throughout the galaxy were listening in and their reaction to the song was universal hatred, sources confirmed today. “Are they trying to put us to sleep? Is that what this is, some kind of somnambulant ray?” […]
Russian President Vladimir Putin speaks with reporters in Moscow (Photo by Contributor/Getty Images) MOSCOW — In a press conference on Wednesday, Russian President Vladimir Putin confirmed that Russia, alarmed by Europe’s deteriorating security situation amid the ongoing war in Ukraine, has begun discrete inquiries about whether it can formally join NATO. “It is frightening to […]
THE PENTAGON — As the air cools and the first leaves drop, the Army’s field grades begin their annual migration away from buffets and towards the goal of making height/weight in time for the Oct. 1 start of the fiscal year. “We call it a reverse hibernation,” said Army wildlife specialist Dr. Steve Erwin. “Bears […]
WASHINGTON — In a stunning precedent-breaking case, the Supreme Court has overturned the militia clause of the 2nd Amendment, citing poor National Guard weapons skills. “For over 200 years, the right to ‘keep and bear arms as part of a well-ordered militia’ has stood in the 2nd amendment,” said Chief Justice John G. Roberts in […]
By Whiskey Fueled Tirade EGLIN AIR FORCE BASE, Fla. — Billy Gunderson, a six-year-old Make-A-Wish Foundation participant, was just days away from graduating from the Army’s Ranger school when the cadre informed the youngster he was a “day-one recycle,” meaning that he would have to re-start the 61-day leadership school from the beginning. “Rules are […]
THE PENTAGON — The Air Force HAS announced a new medal, the National Place Saver Medal, which has been approved and will be awarded starting Jan. 1, 2023. Air Force leaders say the rapid approval came in response to the Pentagon’s decision to discontinue awarding the National Defense Service Medal at the end of the […]