Month: June 2022

Troops suffer thoughts and prayers shortage in wake of mass shootings


Photo by Karsten Winegeart on Unsplash By Addison Blu THE PENTAGON — With so many Thoughts and Prayers being sent to the victims and families of near-weekly mass shootings in the United States, The Troops are now suffering a shortage of their most valuable commodity, sources confirmed today. “When we ran out of Thoughts and […]

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Pentagon drops yards, adopts NATO standard 1000-meter stare


By W.E. Linde PENTAGON — As part of an overall effort to better align military capabilities with European allies, the United States today announced that the Pentagon will direct PTSD-affected military personnel, both current and future, to move away from the current U.S.-standard 1000-yard stare and instead adopt the NATO 1000-meter stare for troops that […]

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Opinion: I call you ‘sir’ but that doesn’t mean I respect you, sir


By Your Pissed Off Subordinate My leave was denied for the third training weekend in a row? Understood, sir. Can you please sign this quarterly awards package I submitted to you two quarters ago? Sir. I appreciate you taking the time to counsel me on email etiquette. Sir. I don’t know what I would do […]

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Commandant awards personal-pan pizza to each Marine who reads a book


By Blondes Over Baghdad THE PENTAGON — Marine Gen. David H. Berger announced that as an incentive to complete the Commandant’s Professional Reading List, each Marine who reads a book off the list will be awarded a Reading Award Certificate redeemable for a free one-topping personal pan pizza. “Reading is foundational,” Berger told reporters. “Did […]

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Russian veteran-owned vodka company expects record profits this year


Photo by Yanik Flowers on Unsplash By Paul J. O’Leary MOSCOW — In a nondescript office a few blocks from Red Square, a happy-go-lucky group of combat veterans have set up the headquarters for one of Russia’s fastest-growing vodka brands — Red Rifle Vodka Company — and they are expecting record sales this year. Red […]

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USMC soldier wins Congressional Metal of Honor


By Blondes Over Baghdad WASHINGTON – A United States Marine Core Soldier won the Congressional Metal of Honor and accepted his ribbon in a celebration held in the White House today. Corporal Jonathan Alban was serving in Afghanistan as a medic when his outfit came under enemy gunfire. “I knew it was dangerous, but I […]

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Raytheon wins $500 million contract to provide Naval Academy with bigger, greasier pole


By Cat Astronaut As the nation’s service academies prepare to welcome their next class of future officers, defense contractor Raytheon has announced it has secured a 10-year, $500 million contract to provide the U.S. Naval Academy with a bigger, greasier pole.  “While the current Grease Pole has served our nation honorably for over a century […]

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