Hangin' on Posco Pier!
By Whiskey Fueled Tirade BETHESDA, Maryland — Capt. Kacey Anderson, a physical therapist at Walter Reed National Military Medical Center, says the key to making a full recovery is a simple six-hour stretching regimen repeated at least four times a day. “A recent study found that patients who stretch at least 24 hours a day […]
By Zoltar the Malignant PORTSMOUTH, Va. — The ongoing controversy over how the Navy chooses names for its ships intensified this week following the launch of the USS Your Mother’s a Whore. The lead vessel of the Navy’s new class of supply ships was christened at Norfolk Naval Shipyard next to her sister ship, the […]
Photo by Cristina Gottardi on Unsplash By Slab Squatthrust POUGHKEEPSIE, N.Y. — Slightly upset that the grandson he raised couldn’t be bothered to join an actual armed service, a local Marine veteran grandfather was only mildly excited Monday that his grandchild, Baxter, has unceremoniously enlisted in the Coast Guard. “We always taught Baxter to follow […]
By Whiskey Fueled Tirade CAMP LEJEUNE, N.C. — The phrase ‘Til Valhalla’ may not apply to a young Marine who died last week while pleasuring himself in a porta-potty, according to a panel of barracks lawyers. The Camp Lejeune public affairs office released a statement that Lance Cpl. Travis “Skeet” Dunmire, a three-time lance corporal […]
By Paul J. O’Leary MARIUPOL, Ukraine — Yevgueny Orlov, a Russian mechanized infantry soldier, has suffered many hardships and losses since his unit invaded Ukraine last month. Through all of it, though, he takes heart knowing he is part of a long family tradition of returning home from war in disgrace. “My father fought in […]
By Cat Astronaut As Russia’s annual readiness exercise along its border with Ukraine enters its sixth week, reports indicate that as many as 15,000 Russian troops have been killed in the country’s longest and deadliest drill weekend on record. “Worst drill weekend ever,” said Russian army reservist Sgt. Evgeniy Volotov. “I have no idea where […]
Photo by Eliabe Costa on Unsplash By Addison Blu THE PENTAGON — Due to Russia’s ongoing attacks against Ukraine, the U.S. military has forbidden service members from playing Russian Roulette. “This is the Department of Defense’s own kind of sanction, a sign of solidarity,” Col. Andrew McDowell told journalists while pouring a bottle of Mr. […]
By Jordan Hemlock MOSCOW – Amid mass arrests on Friday, Russian senior leadership admitted their April Fools prank on Ukraine may have gone too far, but insisted the invasion was “all in good fun.” “Sadly, we see this a lot,” said Interpol President Ahmed Naser Al-Raisi, referring to Interpol’s annual statistics on April Fools pranks. […]