Hangin' on Posco Pier!
By Blondes Over Baghdad WASHINGTON — Gen. Austin “Scott” Miller, the former top U.S. military commander in Afghanistan, woke up startled at approximately 2 a.m. last night, worried that he might have left his troops in Afghanistan. “No. I definitely pulled them out of there. I’m sure of it,” Miller said, patting down his pajama pockets for a […]
By W.E. Linde PENTAGON — President Joe Biden’s nomination of Adm. Linda L. Fagan to lead the U.S. Coast Guard heralded the likelihood of the military’s first female service chief and initiated a flurry of grumbling and “cleaning up” of the all-male offices of the Joint Chiefs, sources confirmed today. “Does Miss November have to […]
By Zoltar the Malignant AUSTIN, Texas — Fresh off of his acquisition of Twitter, billionaire tech entrepreneur Elon Musk offered to purchase the entire Russian Armed Forces for $100 and a half-empty bottle of Stolichnaya vodka. Musk, the world’s richest man, said in a brief statement earlier today that “he knows a bargain-basement steal when […]
By As for Class THE PENTAGON — The Army is going to prevent hands from entering pockets through the miracle of modern amputation, officials announced today. “It has taken us 80 years to reach this point, but our lab of sergeant majors — or is it sergeants major? Man, that just sounds weird,” said Army […]
By Zoltar the Malignant CAMP LEJEUNE, N.C. — A new documentary by filmmaker Ken Burns shatters one of the Marine Corps’ most cherished beliefs — that Wagner absolutely loves the cock. “Wagner,” the latest work by the award-winning documentarian whose credits include “The Civil War” and “Baseball,” alleges that Wagner, in fact, hated the cock. […]
Photo by Yura Khomitskyi on Unsplash By Task Force Footballbat As Russia’s war in Ukraine continues into its second month, the fog of war has set in and confusion has loomed large. Fortunately, Duffel Blog’s crack team of analysts has put together a quick look at the ongoing conflict, by the numbers, to get you […]
When reached for comment, Gen. Mark Milley mumbled something under his breath and furrowed his brow even further. By Task Force Football Bat THE CAPITOL — In the wake of Rep. Matt Gaetz’s railing against ‘woke’ culture in the U.S. military, lawmakers are making a stand where national security is concerned, activating a new Joint […]
By Cat Astronaut UNDERWATER — Led by the missile cruiser Moskva, the flagship of its Black Sea Fleet, the Russian navy on Thursday launched a full-scale invasion of the bottom of the Black Sea. “I call on all nations of the Black Sea Floor to condemn this unprovoked attack on our sovereign benthic zone,” said […]
By Zoltar the Malignant SEVASTOPOL, Russia — A Russian warship told by Ukrainian soldiers to go fuck itself has fucked itself, according to multiple reports. The RTS Moskva, the flagship of the Russian Navy’s Black Sea Fleet, officially fucked itself on April 14, when it sunk in choppy seas. The crew of the Slava-class missile […]
Photo by Bayhaluk By Magnus Falcon KYIV — After achieving aerial success in the war against Russia, one combatant flying on behalf of Ukraine, the Bayraktar drone, revealed that its life goal is to grow up to be a U.S. drone. “I just want to do my part and this is a team effort,” the […]