Hangin' on Posco Pier!
By Whiskey Fueled Tirade FORT BRAGG, N.C. – Army Capt. Jeremy Munsen came up with the perfect defense for proving his client’s innocence right after the jury found him guilty of murder, sources confirmed today. “The timing was way off,” Munsen said sheepishly as the bailiff placed his client in shackles. “I’ve been having kind […]
Photo by Piero Nigro on Unsplash By Bull Winkle MOSCOW – Addressing a rally supporting the war in Ukraine, Russian President Vladimir Putin considered the recent escalation in combat intensity and announced it “smells like victory.” “We have turned a corner towards final triumph,” said Putin. He called the “unfortunate” destruction of Ukrainian cities, nuclear […]
By Magnus Falcon MOSCOW — Russian President Vladimir Putin’s campaign to unite ethnic Russians in neighboring countries by destroying their cities and homes has been hamstrung due to what some security analysts say is a failure on the part of the Russian military elite to achieve the proper “need-to-know” approval. Sources revealed that the Russian […]
By Blondes Over Bagdad PENTAGON — A panel of Pentagon leadership met Tuesday to discuss the problem of an ongoing real war in Europe that is distracting from a possible war with China. “There’s a lot of noise out there,” said Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin. “The important thing to focus on is that there’s […]
By W.E. Linde PALMDALE, CA – In light of recent, high-profile images of Ukrainian farmers towing away Russian armored vehicles, aerospace company Lockheed Martin today announced “the future of farming and national defense” as they unveiled a hastily designed “stealth tractor.” “Lockheed Martin attained our position at the forefront of national security technology by being […]
By Blondes Over Bagdad It’s Women’s History Month, the one time of year that the military somehow how finds enough women’s history to fluff out to fill up an entire month of social media content about badass ladies who leaned in. Want to learn more about some of these awesome ladies? Check out a few […]
By Taskforce Football Bat THE PENTAGON — Sources close to the Joint Chiefs have confirmed that an elite team of military logisticians plans to send the U.S. military’s most revolting meals, ready-to-eat, or ‘MREs,’ disguised in Chinse packaging to Russian troops. “This is psychological warfare. We’re talking about shit that people won’t even eat at […]
By Cat Astronaut As Ukrainian forces put up a stronger defense than expected against an ongoing Russian onslaught, Pentagon officials have urged Ukrainians to hold the line at least until the U.S. Defense Department’s fiscal year 2023 budget is approved. “People of Ukraine, the fate of the Pentagon’s FY23 budget is in your hands, and […]
By Zoltar the Malignant KYIV, Ukraine — The Kremlin has sent hundreds of paid mercenaries into Ukraine with orders to “get moose and squirrel,” according to news reports. The Wagner Group, a bloodthirsty Russian private military company under the thumb of President Vladimir Putin, has flown more than 400 hired guns into Ukraine in recent […]
By Cobra Commander WASHINGTON D.C. — President Joe Biden abruptly excused himself from a Cybersecurity and Infrastructure Security Agency (CISA) decision brief on Monday morning to call his grandkids from the hallway to ask what cyber-measures should be employed against Russia, sources confirmed today. “Hey, Natalie, how’s it going? How’s soccer going? Yeah, that’s really swell, listen, […]