Hangin' on Posco Pier!
By Rock or Something MOSCOW — Russian Defense Minister Sergey Shoygu confirmed today that nearly 1,000 Russian Army 2nd lieutenants deserted their units immediately following Ukraine’s Operation “Fuck Your Azimuth.” The Ukrainian Interior Minister, Denys Monastyrskiy, called on rural towns to remove or change road signs in order to confuse the invaders. As Russian troops […]
By Cobra Commander MOSCOW — Russian country super-star Toby Keithovitch has a smash hit on his hands, riding a wave of patriotism following the Russian full-scale invasion of Ukraine. “This is an important song to me, and when President Vladmir Putin’s Public Affairs Office called me and told me to write it or they’d poison […]
Reprinted from our sister publication, Dùffle Bløg Europe By Cobré Commandreé BRUSSELS — Archdukes across Europe are beefing up their security details following a full-scale Russian attack on Ukraine. “We’ve seen this picture show before, ahem,” claimed Archduke Peter Von Fishburn-Waldrop III, of County Hampshire, as he took snuff. “Whenever a world war is about […]
By As for Class Fort Bragg, NC — Col. Curtis Pringles has one of the most unique formations across the military, deployed to all corners of the globe conducting all manner of special operations fulfilling sensitive competition lines of effort, and potentially facing down Putin himself. Despite the heavy burden of Pringles’ command, sources confirm […]
By Cobra Commander FORT BENNING, Ga. — Ranger School will offer a remote learning option for Army Reservists and National Guardsman, announced Col. Antwan L. Dunmyer, commander of the Airborne and Ranger Training Brigade (ARTB). “We understand the strain it puts on reserve component units to send their soldiers here for two months at a […]
By As for Class FORT BRAGG, NC — Sgt. Vincent “The Fin” Flosser has long regaled his squad with his ambitions to leave the service for a life he would, “totally own.” However, such a move is unlikely due to his inability to function in his current position. The Fin is currently hampered by the […]
By RED Friday Critics have given poor reviews to the second season of Netflix’s Space Force, claiming the depiction of a clueless general is unrealistic. TV critics who praised The Big Bang Theory have strong opinions on why Space Force is a bad show. “The idea that a branch of the military would be this […]
By Cat Astronaut KYIV — In a blatant escalation of tensions in Eastern Europe, Russia has deployed nearly 10,000 red-cockaded woodpeckers to the Ukrainian border to keep U.S. troops at bay, according to intelligence sources. “We knew Putin liked to fight dirty, but we didn’t think he’d sink this low,” said Secretary of Defense Lloyd […]
By Bull Winkle RZESZOW-JASIONKA, Poland — The U.S. is doubling down on defending NATO by deploying one of its newest force enhancements, a company of skilled exotic dancers. The arrival of the Army’s first Expeditionary Exotic Dancer Company (EEDC) gives the U.S. commitment to European security added flexibility and glitter. Maj. Terry Wilson of Headquarters […]
By As for Class TWENTYNINE PALMS, Calif. — Sgt. Alfred Johansson, who has spent a total of three and a half years of his life pooping inside of and masturbating in port-a-johns, doesn’t think the Covid-19 vaccine can possibly be safe. Johansson, who once slept with three women in the same night, not once wearing […]