Hangin' on Posco Pier!
By Blondes Over Baghdad JOINT BASE ANACOSTIA BOLLING — Max Impact, the official rock and pop music ensemble of the United States Air Force, followed the lead of artists Neil Diamond and Joni Mitchell today and demanded that their music be pulled from Spotify in protest of alleged misinformation in a popular podcast hosted by […]
By Whiskey Fueled Tirade WASHINGTON — The hellish shrieks of a million non-commissioned officers could be heard across the globe after Army Pvt. Kyle Stumpf broke established tradition and used the Commander-in-Chief’s open-door policy, sources confirmed today. “Stumpf said he wanted to speak with the commander after I made him do push-ups for losing his […]
By BYOBooyah ARLINGTON, Va. — In a move designed to “roast the libs” and capitalize on an increasingly politicized coffee market, former service members Clint Lorance and Eddie Gallagher are going into business together. Their new brand is called Alleged War Crimes Coffee and, according to the company’s website, it’s for those who want to […]
By As for Class THE BARRACKS — Congratulations are in order for Cpl. Jeremy Roosevelt, cited by his contemporaries for giving excellent barracks-life advice, having just passed his barracks bar exam after downing his ninth tequila shot. Cpl. Roosevelt was encouraged to sit for the exam after his success litigating multiple barracks cases throughout the […]
By Blondes Over Baghdad PENTAGON — As the omicron variant rages, National Guard units have been called up to serve as school bus drivers, substitute teachers, food bank employees, and now, cover down on the entire Department of Defense. “When General Milley tested positive for Coronavirus, we were worried at first,” said Pentagon spokesman John […]
By Grumpy LONDON — The British Royal Navy and Lockheed Martin announced they have prepared a giant bowl of rice to repair the crashed F-35 that was recently recovered from the seafloor. Lockheed Martin said the plane would remain in the rice “overnight, maybe a couple days” in hopes of drying out the aircraft’s sensitive […]
By Zoltar the Malignant SAN RAFAEL, Calif. — Green Beans Coffee, a common sight on U.S. military installations worldwide, has ordered its rapid-recon force to Ukraine to scout locations of open coffee shops for the next unnecessary conflict. With news of Russia massing more than 100,000 troops on Ukraine’s eastern border, the company has deployed […]
Lackland AFB fun run shortly before being canceled. By Lieutenant Dan LACKLAND AFB, Texas — The annual 5-kilometer fun run at Lackland Air Force Base ended early after an argument over critical race theory broke out between organizers and a local marathon club. Base organizers had envisioned an untimed run for all ages with free […]
By Jordan Hemlock NAVAL BASE KITSAP, Wash. – After a month-long investigation into the collision of the USS Connecticut with an undersea mountain, an independent safety board has recommended that all Navy submarines be equipped with reflective belts. “Obviously the Navy’s safety protocols were falling short, so we had to put a little Army in […]
By W.E. Linde WALTER REED NATIONAL MILITARY MEDICAL CENTER, Md – Last month, Army researchers claimed to have developed a vaccine that may potentially protect against all COVID variants. Building off that success, doctors at Walter Reed have also just released one massive vaccine that protects against “everything we could think of.” The Mother of […]