Hangin' on Posco Pier!
Commander Claus, seen here accepting a sugary bribe. By Hunter J. Keith NORTH POLE, Republic of Claustria — Citing a pattern of hypocritical fitness standards, elves of the Arctic Toy Making Command expressed exasperation after Santa Claus once again obtained a waiver to pass his physical training test, a handful of elves told Duffel Blog […]
By Blondes Over Baghdad JOINT BASE NORTH POLE — North Pole Garrison commander Santa Claus has denied allegations that the eggnog in elf housing contains toxic levels of contaminates. Elves traditionally bathe, do dishes, and wash their tights and smocks in the public egg nog supply in elf housing. For many elves, the contaminated eggnog […]
By Jordan Hemlock The Pentagon announced today plans to move from its current DIME strategy in order to help deal with a recent economic downturn and rising inflation. National security policy development and implementation will now focus on the newly-coined NICKEL strategy: Nineteen-year-olds, Innovation, Cryptocurrency, Keto, Email, and Leg tucks. “We have all the ingredients […]
By Bad Lawyer WASHINGTON — In the long-standing tradition of generosity at the holidays and limitless support for the troops, the United States Department of Veterans Affairs has announced a new program that will offer a free cup of coffee to each service member while they wait in line to die. “We were inspired by […]
By W.E. Linde THE PENTAGON — According to multiple sources, most general and flag officers at the Pentagon are having a really, really hard time coming up with strong bullets for accomplishments on their performance review for the past year. “It’s so painful,” said Timothy Dobbs, a civilian administrative assistant who helps compile the officer […]
By Slab Squatthrust NORFOLK — Multiple witnesses confirmed that a toddler was seen wandering on Amphibious Drive at Naval Base Little Creek earlier today. Bystanders however could not confirm whether it was a lost child from the Child Development Center or their new executive officer (XO). Occurring just after nap time, the toddler reportedly was […]
By Hunter J. Keith THE FINAL FRONTIER — Following a high-flying advertisement for Jeff Bezos’s Blue Origin, 90-year-old Star Trek actor William Shatner has shifted the scales, making the frequency of actors in space 100 times greater than that of Space Force Guardians. Shatner, whose achievements include a stint as Priceline’s spokesman and a spoken […]
By 29ReasonsWhy NEW BRUNSWICK, N.J. — Evan Miller graduated high school with dual plans for his future: Enroll at Rutgers and enlist in the National Guard. His intent was to enjoy his college experience and make some extra cash on the side while maximizing the benefits of both being a student and serving in the […]
By Blondes Over Baghdad ANNAPOLIS, Md. – Proving that she does not need a white ciscadet to tell her she’s free, Navy mascot Admiral Grace Chomper walked out of Navy-Marine Corps Stadium during halftime at the Army-Navy football game and never looked back. “After years of speciesist behavior, I’d had enough,” Grace told Duffel Blog. […]
By RED Friday Norfolk, VA — After an extensive search, investigators were able to locate the one enlisted person who cares about the Army/Navy game, sources report. Seaman Apprentice Wilford Durbans was shocked to learn he was the only person boot enough to care about Naval Academy football. “These are our future officers and leaders […]