Hangin' on Posco Pier!
By Whiskey Fueled Tirade PENTAGON — President Joe Biden delivered a moving speech marking the 20th anniversary of the 9/11 attacks to the custodian cleaning the ninth corridor restroom on the Pentagon’s third floor, sources confirmed today. “I remember where I was on 11/11,” Biden said somberly. “When the flying things hit the— you know, […]
By Cat Astronaut AFGHANISTAN — With Afghanistan spiraling into chaos in recent weeks, the United States has reassured its Afghan partners that regardless of how bad things get, the American military-industrial complex will get through it and come out on the other side stronger than ever. “To our Afghan allies and partners, we know you’re […]
By Cobra Commander KABUL, AFGHANISTAN — Abdul-Fattah Raziq, currently serving as the logistics officer (S-4) of the Badri 614, a Taliban Army battalion, has become increasingly irritated with his troops’ inability to account for their equipment. “It’s like these guys have never heard of supply discipline,” Razig said exasperatedly as his Taliban compatrio… Read more
By Grumpy HOLLYWOOD — Fans of “Afghanistan,” the longest-running military drama in U.S. history, tuned in for the show’s finale in numbers not seen in more than a decade, according to ratings company Nielsen. “We are very grateful to our loyal fans who stayed with us all the way through,” producers said in a statement. […]
By Medal of Dishonor WASHINGTON D.C. — A bipartisan group of lawmakers, historically known for avoiding military service downrange, will vote on whether to make women register for the draft this week. In a bid towards providing all young Americans with an equal opportunity to serve against their will, the Senate Armed Services Committee has […]
By G-Had KABUL, AFGHANISTAN — Americans have described themselves as ‘outraged’ and ‘devastated’ after pictures emerged of U.S. forces leaving 46 working dogs, along with 30 million Afghans, behind in Afghanistan following Monday’s pull-out. A series of social media posts taken in late August allegedly showed photos of the dogs abandoned at the Kabul airport, along […]
Tanks carrying our nation’s best and brightest scholars to battle. By Scheisskopf WASHINGTON D.C. — Leading think tanks from across the American political spectrum heroically volunteered to deploy this week in a surprise assault on Taliban positions in Kabul, Afghanistan. “I have criticized U.S. foreign policy for decades, but with the chaos I see in […]