Hangin' on Posco Pier!
Photo by Tim Gouw on Unsplash By Cobra Commander WASHINGTON, D.C. — Seeking accountability after a much-criticized withdrawal from the nation’s longest war and recent grilling of Gen. Mark Milley by Congress, the White House has announced immediate personnel changes. “After careful review of the actions and inactions taken by our nation’s military leadersh… Read […]
By Whiskey Fueled Tirade KABUL – The Taliban’s lightning-fast victory over Afghan National Security Forces following the U.S. withdrawal from Afghanistan has proven one thing, according to top Pentagon planners: the U.S. Military focus on dental readiness has been a complete waste of time and resources. “A guy with about three teeth led an army […]
By Call Sign Buttercup FORT BRAGG – In a sign of the Army’s progress and “People First strategy,” soldiers of the 18th Field Artillery Brigade called their female commander an asshole instead of a bitch today. Pfc. Samuel Martino was immediately scolded after referring to Capt. Lisa Fillip as a “total bitch” and a “withering […]
By Dick Scuttlebutt WASHINGTON — Marine Gen. Frank McKenzie, the commanding general of U.S. Central Command, apologized last week for a drone strike that mistakenly killed the wrong vehicle full of children. “I offer my sincere apology,” McKenzie said. “We thought the car we were striking contained a terrorist and his large family, but in […]
By BYOBooyah NEW LONDON, CT — In a speech delivered Wednesday to the Coast Guard Academy, a school that does exist per Wikipedia, Coast Guard Adm. Toby Waverham chided Army leadership for failing to secure victory in the War on Terror. “I had to call up my buddy [General] McConville and say, Jimmy, pal, way […]
By Bull Winkle WASHINGTON, D.C. – To exact revenge on the Taliban, the Defense Department is turning to Hollywood’s deadliest stars. Spokesperson Col. Dale Lewis said the DOD intends to hire Liam Neeson for counterterrorism missions, part of U.S. commitment to fighting threats in Afghanistan, evacuating American citizens, and warming hearts. “Mr. Neeson excels in […]
By Paul J. O’Leary KUNDUZ, AFGHANISTAN — Social media experts are saying the only thing taking over Afghanistan faster than the Taliban is a popular new YouTube show called ‘Unpacking Afghanistan,’ which features two young Taliban fighters doing comedic gear reviews of captured U. S. and British military gear left behind during last month’s sudden […]
By Zoltar the Malignant WASHINGTON, D.C. – A newly declassified report alleges that the infamous vegetable and cheese omelet MRE was not accidentally spawned in a wet market, but was intentionally created in a laboratory to advance “gain-of-function” research into the development of even shittier field rations. The report from the United States Army Medical […]
By 29ReasonsWhy ST. GEORGE, S.C. – In an impasse that may hinder American political discourse for generations, local man Ronald Jeremiah is currently unable to post a Facebook status about a country he cared deeply about last week, because he cannot remember that country’s name. Jeremiah hopes the status, when completed, will unite Americans across […]
By Bull Winkle SHAKOPEE, Minn. — MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell claims that the Taliban’s seizure of control of Afghanistan is a deception, and offered to provide “conclusive, irrefutable” evidence that the U.S. actually won the conflict years ago. “Don’t buy the press lies,” said Lindell from the MyPillow corporate and cyber investigation headquarters. “We won […]