Hangin' on Posco Pier!
By Bad Lawyer SAN DIEGO — Memorial Day is a solemn day of reflection for many Americans, perhaps none more so than retired Navy SEAL Eddie Gallagher. But instead of drinking beer and barbecuing with friends, Gallagher will spend the day solemnly reflecting on those he “totally did not murder” on a live-streamed episode of […]
By W. E. Linde PYONGYANG — Tensions on the Korean Peninsula spiked this week after Pyongyang sounded a defiant tone against the West and vowed to “murder as many of our proud people as necessary” to resist American aggression. North Korea’s broadside was triggered by President Joe Biden’s address to Congress last month, where he […]
By Cobra Commander FORT CARSON, Colo. — The soldiers of Charlie Company are giving Sgt. Kirk Tanner a wide berth after finding out that he brought every single item on the assigned packing list like an absolute psycho. “You wonder what’s going on in a guy like that’s head,” said Sgt. 1st Class Cliff Thwape. […]
By Cat Astronaut THE PENTAGON — The Department of Defense acknowledged the number of vaccinated service members continues to rise on Wednesday when it announced that troops fully vaccinated against Covid-19 will no longer have to wear a mask while throwing up in the back of an Uber. “The safety of our servicemembers is our […]
By BYOBooyah WASHINGTON — Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) is not backing down from his criticism of what he’s called a “woke” Army recruiting campaign. On Monday he released a new statement emphasizing the urgent need for the Army to “get back to commercials that make my dick hard.” The statement came after Cruz shared a […]
By Bull Winkle WASHINGTON — Amid years of political turmoil, pundits and observers from across the spectrum are raising the alarm on a new trend: In retirement, many flag officers are shunning the limelight and shutting the fuck up. Phil McCracken, a retired Navy rear admiral and president of the “Relevant 4 Life” flag officer […]
By Whiskey Fueled Tirade TEHRAN — In a shocking reversal, a spokesman for the Atomic Energy Organization of Iran admitted the country does have a nuclear weapons program but its leaders only intend to use them for hunting and home defense. “Look, there is a lot of negative press around nukes these days,” Behruz Kamalvandi […]
By Jordan Hemlock THE PENTAGON – A new study has recommended the creation of an enlisted aide position to unmute generals on Zoom after researchers found the Department of Defense had an unexplained loss of 17,000 man-hours last year. Recently leaked footage of a Zoom-based staff conference amongst the chiefs of staff highlighted the issue. […]
By Cat Astronaut FULDA GAP — Army leaders are celebrating today after a soldier with the 173rd Airborne Brigade destroyed an entire Russian armored division by completing his 20th leg tuck during his unit’s Army Combat Fitness Test. “We knew leg tucks increased lethality, but we had no idea just how powerful they were until […]
By Jordan Hemlock WICHITA, Kan. –Two weeks after transitioning to a new camouflage pattern, the Air Force is reporting more airmen AWOL than at the peak of the Vietnam War. “I can never find my subordinates anymore,” said 2d Lt Billy Lahst, a flight commander for the 22nd Aircraft Maintenance Squadron at McConnell Air Force […]