Hangin' on Posco Pier!
By 29ReasonsWhy TWENTYNINE PALMS, CA — During an interview to discover the source of his unit’s abysmal hearing test scores, Marine 1st Sgt. Jonathan Pizarro realized this morning that he’s been yelling continuously for the past seven years. “DAMMIT, DEVIL DOG!” he proclaimed when this reporter visibly winced from the sheer volume of his voice. […]
Air Force Global Strike Command Gen. Timothy M. Ray caused a stir recently when he called the US Army’s vision to become an “all domain” force, which includes a long-range strike capability that rivals the Air Force, “stupid.” The vision, outlined in a white paper entitled “Army Multi-Domain Transformation: Ready to Win in Competition and […]
By Cat Astronaut THE PENTAGON — After decades of wars in which decisive victory and a coherent purpose were often elusive, the Department of Defense announced it has adopted a new motto: “Winning Isn’t Everything.” “Moving forward, it’s important for us to try and enjoy the process, rather than focus on the outcome of international […]
By Cobra Commander PORTSMOUTH, Va. — Service members at Baron’s Pub say their knowledge of the history and customs of the U.S. Coast Guard is too hazy to call someone out for stealing valor. “This guy walks in wearing what could possibly be a Coast Guard uniform,” said Marine Staff Sgt. Jon Kunkle. “I just […]
By Call Sign Buttercup FORT BRAGG — The Pentagon announced this week that all military children will be gifted lifelong therapy and alcoholism to celebrate the ‘Month of the Military Child’ this April. “When a soldier serves, his family serves,” said Army Chief of Staff Gen. McConnville, “That’s why we’re thanking our military children with […]
By W. E. Linde KABUL, Afghanistan — Despite a pledge by President Joe Biden to withdraw all American troops from Afghanistan by Sept 11, 2021, absolutely no one is “leaving this shithole until every piece of brass is cleaned up from my AOR,” said Sgt. Maj. of the Army Michael Grinston in a sternly worded […]
“You mean they’re leaving in a ‘we’re leaving by 2014 but not really haha’ right?” asked one local farmer. (Image by Amber Clay from Pixabay) By Cat Astronaut KABUL — Taliban officials say they are uncertain about who will unwittingly fund their operations in the wake of President Joe Biden’s decision to pull all U.S […]
Marines train for the skills that kill. (Photo: Lance Cpl. Emmanuel Ramos) By Blondes over Baghdad PENTAGON — A Pentagon study aimed at identifying and rooting out extremism in the armed forces has led to the conclusion that the Marine Corps should be a banned extremist group by 2022. “The Department of Defense convened a […]
Photo Illustration/Flickr/William Real By Slab Squat Thrust MINNEAPOLIS — Ghislaine Maxwell, the well-known partner of sex offender Jeffrey Epstein, has been transferred to a Veteran’s Hospital parking lot in Minneapolis where she is expected to await trial and totally not commit suicide, sources confirmed today. Maxwell was arrested last year on charges s… Read more
By Cat Astronaut The Army has revised its long-held policy on winning wars after the Biden administration announced all U.S. troops would leave Afghanistan by September 11, 2021. Officials say new regulations allow all general officers to plank for two minutes in lieu of a decisive victory in a war that has lasted nearly 20 […]