Hangin' on Posco Pier!
Technical Sgt. Arthur C. Clarkson flying his privately-owned spacecraft to drill on the Moon. By The Shammer COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. — A member of the Space National Guard who commutes from Colorado has expressed regret in picking the Moon as his drill base after leaving active duty, sources confirmed today. “Man, I really screwed myself […]
By As For Class ISLAMABAD, Pakistan — Though few outside the tight-knit bond of Naval Special Warfare know it, the last words Osama bin Laden heard before bullets strewn his body were, “Ohh, yeaaaah!” according to sources. SEALs who took part in the mission to kill the mastermind of the 9/11 attacks say the walls […]
By Blondes Over Baghdad WASHINGTON — Top Army leaders have urged the National Guard Bureau to wrap up its Capitol and COVID-19 response missions as soon as possible so the Guard can focus on readiness after the stunning revelation that a private had not had his annual dental exam, sources confirmed today. Pvt. Ryan Wade, […]
By Paul J. O’Leary LITTLE ROCK, Ark. — Republican Senator and Army Ranger School graduate Tom Cotton is refusing to refer to First Lady Jill Biden by the title of “doctor,” sources confirmed today. “It’s just misleading,” said the former 101st Airborne Officer who campaigned on his experience as an Army Ranger. “Yeah, I suppose […]
By W.E. Linde RICHMOND, Va. — Army recruiter Sgt. Mark Manarin recently switched on his office laptop, opened Internet Explorer, and clicked on the Fox Business link as he sipped his coffee. As soon as the page loaded, he grimaced. “Shit,” he muttered. The unemployment rate had just dropped to 6.9 percent. Manarin has been […]
THE PENTAGON — Top Space Force officials have approved the new service’s physical fitness test, which will take place in the comfort of a swivel chair. “Swively rolly office chairs are a staple of the Space Force,” said Guardian Groot-Class Gaius Baltar, a public affairs spokesman. “Our goal was to design a physical fitness test […]
Michael Flynn preparing for class with his administrative assistant, Alex Jones. By Bull Winkle CARLISLE, Pa. — With a new take on ethics by retired Army Lt. Gen. Michael Flynn, the Army War College is training senior leaders to fight and win conflicts against foreign adversaries and the U.S. judicial system, sources confirmed today. Though […]
By W.E. Linde WASHINGTON — The Iraqi government on Monday hastily evacuated all nonessential Iraqi personnel from a rapidly destabilizing United States as the inauguration of President-elect Joe Biden approaches on Jan. 20. Additionally, engineers have been building fortifications at the Iraqi Embassy in anticipation of tensions once again erupting into violence. Fareed Yasseen, Iraq’s […]
By Whiskey Fueled Tirade WASHINGTON — A recent study conducted by the RAND Corporation has found that most Space Force recruits are fluent in Klingon or other fictional languages. “Our study set out to identify the ideal knowledge, skills, and behavior Space Force leadership should look for in a recruit,” one researcher told reporters. “But […]
By Paul J. O’Leary WASHINGTON — More than 20,000 national guardsmen are expected to deploy to the nation’s capital to provide additional security during President-elect Joe Biden’s inauguration on Jan. 20, but critics warn the National Guard appears to lack an exit strategy. “We have no metric for what success looks like,” said one high […]