Hangin' on Posco Pier!
By Cat Astronaut THE PENTAGON — Leaders across the Department of Defense celebrated the Christmas holiday by exchanging lobbyists, sources confirmed today. “Ooh, is that a Raytheon? I’ve always wanted a Raytheon!” Acting Defense Secretary Christopher Miller said during the annual Pentagon Christmas party while shaking a man-sized box sitting under a Christmas tree in […]
By W.E. Linde PENTAGON — The Department of Defense announced on Wednesday that military members who served during the War on Christmas will now receive a medal in recognition of that service. “At the urging of President Trump and Acting Secretary of Defense Christopher Miller, the Joint Chiefs of Staff have approved the War on […]
By Bull Winkle ANNAPOLIS, Md. — After losing the annual Army-Navy football game, a coach for the Naval Academy’s midshipmen is ditching 130 years of tradition and refusing to concede the win to the Army team, sources confirmed today. “We all know that Army only won this game by stealing it,” said Navy Assistant Coach […]
By Grumpy WASHINGTON — The Army’s newest two-star general, Maj. Gen. Billy-Bob Bobson V, has been hailed by Army brass and former presidents as “a profoundly wise man” and “a folksy, down-to-earth leader.” But an explosive investigation has found that Bobson is just an idiot, according to sources. Bobson had been slated to become deputy […]
By Cat Astronaut THE PENTAGON — The Department of Defense announced new plans today to replace the U.S. military’s longstanding “all-volunteer” recruiting model with an “all-voluntold” one. “We took a look at the numbers and realized we needed a better model for attracting America’s best and brightest into the ranks,” said Matthew Donovan, the Undersecretary […]
By Addison Blu FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Your company first sergeant needs half a dozen motivated dick beaters to assist in enforcing a military suppression of rights and laws, sources confirmed today. The unit is hurrying up and waiting after former U.S. generals, public figures, and active government leaders have called for martial law in […]
“Our studies show the collateral damage will be pretty minimal,” said Army Gen. Gustave F. Perna, chief operating officer of Operation War Speed. (Photo: Department of Defense) By W.E. Linde DYESS AIR FORCE BASE, Texas — As part of President Donald Trump’s directive to the military to assist in the distribution of a Covid-19 vaccine, […]
Dear reader, A quick update since the last time you heard from me in November. You’re one of the 536 people who have joined our paid subscriber list. Thank you! We here at Duffel Blog are so thrilled to have you and it means the world to us that you are in our corner. Although […]
By Wob Weego DOVER AIR FORCE BASE, Del. — C-17 copilot and staunch conspiracy theorist Air Force 1st Lt. Kyle Korrigan received harsh criticism and a nap yesterday after refusing to wear a mask, according to sources. An unexpected depressurization at 37,000 feet knocked the pilot out, leaving the copilot claiming that supplemental oxygen is […]
By Blondes Over Baghdad MAXWELL AIR FORCE BASE, Ala. – After considerable research, the Air Force History and Heritage Center confirmed the Air Force has reached an impressive feat—50 straight years of skipping leg day. “Look, they call it the cockpit because it’s for chicken legs,” said fighter pilot Capt. Mike “Cardio” Fowler. “The only […]