Month: November 2020

Esper fired for not being coup enough, sources say


Former Defense Secretary Mark Esper explains to the media that he’s actually much coup-er than they think. Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Gen. Mark Milley remains skeptical. (DoD photo by Marvin Lynchard) WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump fired Mark Esper after deciding his defense secretary was simply not coup enough for the current […]

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Former Defense Secretary Mark Esper refuses to leave Pentagon until he can figure out USAJOBS site


Secretary of Defense Mark Esper stares down at the keyboard while trying to remember his password for the USAJOBS website. His original password was 1-2-3-4-5, according to sources. (Photo by U.S. Air Force Staff Sgt. Jack Sanders) WASHINGTON — Defense Secretary Mark Esper has told his staff he won’t leave the Pentagon until he figures […]

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Native Americans not really interested in COVID masks US Army keeps sending


(Photo Credit: US Army) WINDOW ROCK, Ariz. — A recent U.S. Army initiative is being criticized as tone-deaf after numerous shipments of face coverings were rejected by Navajo Nation reservations nationwide and returned to sender, sources confirmed today. The Army made multiple attempts to get the Navajo Nation leaders to accept unwelcome shipments of the […]

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DoD awards $89 billion contract for top-secret weapons system to fight sexual harassment


Raytheon used focus groups of service members with a great deal of experience in managing women’s complaints to design a pilot program. (Photo: U.S. Air Force) THE PENTAGON — The Department of Defense has awarded an $89 billion contract to build a new top-secret weapons system to eliminate sexual harassment, sources confirmed today. “Eliminating sexual […]

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National Guard botches plan to suppress the vote


WASHINGTON — Gen. David Hokansan, Chief of the National Guard, admits the service botched a nationwide plan to suppress the popular vote, sources report. “Some state Adjutants General ordered their troops to block votes in pro-Trump districts,” Hokansan said. “Unfortunately others gave contrary orders, while some troops misinterpreted their orders and blocked votes that were…

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DoD adds online ‘Coup Awareness’ to annual training requirement


THE PENTAGON — According to a press release, all Department of Defense personnel are now required to complete an online Coup Awareness course as part of their mandatory calendar year training.  The official statement explicitly denies rumors that the course was created in response to simmering partisan tensions surrounding the 2020 presidential election. “People should…

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SEAL book chronicles challenge of being a SEAL without a book deal


SAN DIEGO, Calif. — Navy SEAL Bret Curtis was the victim of intrateam harassment for years because he refused to write a book about his life as a Navy Sea, Air, and Land commando. Curtis joined after 9/11 to “be a part of the most secretive and elite military brotherhood in the world” Curtis said….

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