Hangin' on Posco Pier!
YOUR NEW DUTY STATION—Sources are reporting that you didn’t make enough copies of your orders, and are about to be royally fucked and unable to continue in-processing. This oversight will overwhelmingly influence your reputation with not only garrison administrative staff, but also your new chain of command. “What kind of jackoff doesn’t have enough copies…
WASHINGTON — Frantic grabbing, yelling, and hoarding are not behaviors limited to the playground. A senior Department of Defense official revealed that such methods also help determine the annual defense budget, to the surprise of pretty much nobody. “We’ve been copying kid’s games for years,” said Thomas Killigan, Undersecretary of Defense for Budget and Infighting….
CINCINNATI, Ohio – During a campaign swing through Ohio this week, former vice president Joe Biden promised that if he is elected president, he will let “the troops decide” where the United States should invade next. “For too long, political leaders from both sides of the aisle have used the military in questionable adventures overseas,…
NEVADA TEST AND TRAINING RANGE, Nev. — After winning a competition at the military’s annual Red Flag exercise, an Air Force Small Diameter Bomb II was just too intelligent for those Navy dumb bombs, according to a sea service Mk 82 general purpose bomb. Mk 82, callsign “Dumbass,” said the “StormBreaker” bomb contains brains that…
The Crab Nebula: SECTOR 15 “The days are getting longer. We have been in quarantine here for seven days. The rations are running low. We ran out of beer on the second day. The sector maps are too difficult to understand. We are lost. We are Lieutenants.” As the high-yield murder machine of the coronavirus…
YPSILANTI, Mich. — In a world becoming more interconnected every day, militia groups across the US are fighting to reclaim an industry they view as being increasingly dominated by foreigners — Domestic Terrorism. One such militia based out of Michigan, calling themselves the Wolverine Watchmen, rocketed to prominence this past week after several members were…
SEATTLE, Wash. — A startup consisting of retired members of the E4 Mafia has developed a new way to experience coffee: by exposing it to the alcoholic wastelands of veteran innards. The discovery was accidental—as most discoveries involving retired E4s are. A strange series of events involving alcohol, fuzzy slippers, and $100 bet ended in…
FORT LEAVENWORTH, Kan. – The Army University Press announced plans to publish a fan fiction snuff erotica novel titled, Fifty Shades of War about the famed Prussian general and military theorist Carl von Clausewitz and his French-Swiss contemporary and adversary, Antoine-Henri Jomini. A spokesperson for the institution said the press was publishing the book to…
NORFOLK, VA. — Morale onboard the USS Anzio (CG-68) skyrocketed today after the command’s mandatory fun concert was canceled, sources report. “We were all going to have to gather on the mess decks to watch a virtual concert,” Fire Controlman Third Class Jack Sanders said. “It was some Army band that we had to see…
Chris Wallace: “Greetings ladies and gentlemen and welcome to the weekend safety brief. I’ll be your moderator, Chris Wallace. This afternoon’s safety will cover a variety of topics, including alcohol consumption, driving, sexual safety, and other topics. Each of our candidates, President Donald J. Trump and former Vice President Joe Biden, will have two minutes…