Hangin' on Posco Pier!
THE PENTAGON – The military provided details Friday about source new body armor designed specifically for women’s bodies. Called Athena Armor, the new equipment is exactly the same in size, weight, and general dimensions as current body armor but is pink and significantly more expensive. In a PowerPoint deck distributed to media, the military hyped…
THE PENTAGON — General Charles Q. Brown, Chief of Staff of the Air Force, was seen going back to a bowl of candy bars labeled “take one” twice at the Joint Chiefs of Staff socially-distanced trick or treat event. “I will be needing this for long-range Halloween capability,” Brown said, placing a full-size Snickers in…
DENVER – People have been caught impersonating our nation’s heroes for a number of reasons over the years: better seats on flights, a free drink at a bar, or even just a pat on the back. But last night, an imposter with a sweet tooth was seen skulking about the streets of a Denver neighborhood,…
WASHINGTON — The Marine Corps has begun issuing a new socially distanced bayonet that is six feet in length, Brigadier General Spanky Sicklecell announced yesterday. “Stabbing the enemy at close range with a steel blade, while perhaps violent, is an honorable thing,” Sicklecell said. “But violating an individual’s social distance rights is cold-blooded and goes…
“Can I Graduate, Can I look into the faces that I meet, Can I get my punk-ass off the street, I’ve been living on for so long…”
WASHINGTON — A RAND Corporation study has concluded that less sleep for military service members will equal more productivity. Despite the claims of scientist, doctors, and service members themselves that sleep is vital to success, the Department of Defense has labeled these claims as evidence of “weak genes.” In the wake of the study, the military…
THE PENTAGON — Researchers from the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA), the secretive scientific organization tasked with developing cutting-edge technologies for national security agencies, unveiled a paradigm-shifting artificial intelligence that they claim is capable of committing the nation to unwinnable wars hundreds of time faster than human military and political leaders. If true, the…
FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Fort Bragg, the Army’s crown jewel and national STD hotspot, is about to get shittier. The installation took a step closer toward energy security with a massive contract to burn soldiers’ crap and harvest the methane for electricity. Typical Army-housed power generation, such as solar farms, can provide backup for a…
WASHINGTON – Everyone looks for the creepiest, spookiest, and most terrifying costumes for Halloween, but this soldier is taking it too far—by dressing up as Fort Hood! “Yikes! I got a big scare when he turned the corner!” said Chief of Staff of the Army General James McConville. “Fort Hood haunts my dreams. Even when I think I…
QUANTICO, Va. — Celebrities everywhere are devastated by cancellations of this year’s Marine Corps balls due to Covid-19, sources report. “Every year I hope some teenager with a shaky grasp on reality asks me to an office party via YouTube,” Janelle Monae said. “People will take it seriously because he’s a Marine, and I’ll spend…