Hangin' on Posco Pier!
CAMP LEJEUNE, N.C. — A Force Recon Marine has recently published his first tell-all coloring book, according to sources at both Chuck E. Cheese and Books-a-Billion in nearby Jacksonville. Speaking at the bookstore while munching on a cold slice of pepperoni, Capt. Joshua Hopkins, assigned to the Marine Corps’ 2nd Reconnaissance Battalion, told a group…
CHARLESTON, W.V. — Less than a year after separating from the Army as a first lieutenant, Daniel Cummings has found himself sleeping on the streets of West Virginia under a blanket that’s printed in the design of a DD-214 active duty release form to keep him warm at night. Cummings was a commissioned officer in…
WASHINGTON — The Defense Secretary on Tuesday ordered the Army-Navy Game renamed to Suckers vs. Losers Bowl in order to better reflect White House policy changes toward the military. “President Donald J. Trump supports our military 100%,” said Defense Secretary Mark Esper. “He knows these suckers and losers serve with honor and distinction.” The latest…
WASHINGTON — Americans everywhere are condemning President Donald Trump for allegedly calling dead American soldiers “suckers” and “losers” in 2018, publicly voicing opinions of contempt for the military which most Americans say should only be expressed in private. “I think it’s absolutely disgraceful that Donald Trump has said out loud what many of us clearly…
WASHINGTON – Breaking with his peers and the entire history of the Defense Department, the Chief of Staff of the Army said today that the service is in absolutely, perfectly great shape. “Doing great, pretty much no problems, man,” said Chief of Staff Gen. James C. McConville, popping a stick of chewing gum in his…
THE PENTAGRAM — During a Friday press conference, Gen. John W. “Jay” Raymond announced the selection of the Tardigrade as the official Space Force mascot. “Much like the Marine Corps has the bulldog, the Navy a goat, and the Air Force the Blue Falcon, we felt some type of animal would the best selection.” Gen….
FORT HOOD, Texas — Following the announcement that the U.S. Army had removed Maj. Gen. Scott Efflandt from command of Fort Hood, sources report that leading up to this action senior Army leaders had been shocked to learn that there was a commander there in the first place. From a prostitution ring, to missing soldiers, to…
FORT CARSON, Co. — Sgt. First Class Ted Carmichael is facing UCMJ discipline after being caught field stripping for cash tips during his battalion’s 3rd quarter field training exercise. Class Carmichael was reportedly discovered after senior officers noticed soldiers lining up behind the fuel point to receive his services. Another senior NCO reported watching Carmichael…
FORT STEWART, Ga. — In the wake of his TikTok video that went viral for an anti-Semitic joke, 2nd Lt. Norton Friedheim has fallen under the spot light of every echelon of Army leadership, all the way up to Chief of Staff of the Army James McConville. Friedheim, however, is approaching the situation with blatantly…
FORT SAM HOUSTON, Texas — Everyone in the United States was shocked overnight to learn that U.S. Army North is actually nowhere near Canada, according to sources who are terrified of Canadians. In the midst of reports about the devastating effects of coronavirus — which nearly rhymes with Canadavirus — citizens were doubly-upset to learn…