Hangin' on Posco Pier!
WASHINGTON — Secretary of the Navy Kenneth Braithwaite announced the Navy would be shifting to a paperless administration system with mandatory paper copies, sources report. “We need to streamline the Navy,” Braithwaite said to reporters earlier today. “Our previous attempts at reducing paperwork have created an exponential increase in the amount of paperwork sailors have…
SOUTHERN PINES, N.C. – You might think that in America, everyone loves the Troops! But that’s not the case, because this vending machine won’t take challenge coins as payment. Wow. “I literally killed someone to get this coin,” said Sgt. Craig Mutter, a special forces medic. “I think that should get me a Milky Way.” It doesn’t,…
The following is an article by Thuszoldydides, from the September 480 BCE issue of the Duffel Blog’s ancient Greek predecessor, The Satchel Wax. SPARTA – Lance Hoplite FlavorFlavius has been ordered to wear a giant stone and bronze sundial to every gathering for a fortnight after missing first phalanx this morning, sources confirmed. “This isn’t…
You ever get hurt in the Army? You probably got told to ice it and take some Motrin. Was that the right answer? Duffel Blog asked expert medicos which injuries need ice and rest, and which ones need advanced imagery, surgery, or specialty care: Plantar fasciitis—“This is the most run-of-the mill injury I could imagine,” says Army sports…
BEALE AIR FORCE BASE, Calif. — Multiple sources report that Capt. William Best, an intelligence operations officer assigned to the 9th Intelligence Squadron, simply will not shut up about that one time his analysis was correct. Although Best usually heavily caveats any predicative analysis with typical terms of art such as “medium confidence,” or “low-to-medium…
WASHINGTON — More than 200 E-4s and E-3s, including dozens of Army specialists and Marine Corps lance corporals, published a letter this week endorsing “whoever can get us the fuck out of here by 1600!” Breaking from traditional protocol, the E-4s – most of whom are serving on active duty – publicly entered the fray…
WASHINGTON — Raytheon won an exclusive contract to send six retired guys out to stare at shit, sources report. The six guys will come out next week and will wander around for a month. For a few hours a day they will stand in front of a computer stack and stare at it with their…
WASHINGTON — The American people have been rocked by revelations that Galactus, god of oblivion, devourer of worlds, was detected today approaching our galaxy at a speed that can only be described as ludicrous. After the news broke of the planet’s impending doom, White House press secretary Kayleigh McEnany told reporters, “The President has been…
NELLIS AFB, Nevada — The initial fielding of Air Force tactical robot dogs revealed a potentially critical glitch: The dogs are depressed by their unfulfillable need to lick their non-existent gonads. On a recent exercise, robot dogs impressed observers with their capabilities to maneuver and provide information to human handlers, all without constantly stopping to…
LASHKARGA, Afghanistan — Representatives of the Taliban, Al-Qaeda, and ISIS gathered today in the capital of the Helmand Province of Afghanistan to celebrate breaking ground on the long-awaited Joint Terrorism Center of Excellence. The JTCE is intended to bring together the best minds of international terror organizations in an effort to streamline operations and standardize…