Hangin' on Posco Pier!
WASHINGTON — The United States emerged victorious after a grueling three-week war with foreign superpower Capitol Hill Occupied Protest (CHOP). The victory is especially momentous as it came just weeks before the 75th anniversary of the defeat of Japan in 1945, the military’s most recent victory. The conflict started when a six-block radius of Seattle…
NORFOLK, Va. — The Navy stands on the shoulders of great traditions, none greater than the ability to thrust its very essence into the hearts of the nation’s enemies, which may include (but is not limited to) other boats, docks, beaches, and, you know, stuff on the water. For one, it just sounds cool when…
SAN DIEGO — As a few military child care centers are starting to reopen during the pandemic, a strenuous and challenging PT test for your kids has been implemented for them to be accepted. With base officials issuing guidance for phased reopening of child development centers, supervisors have teamed up with Green Beret training personnel…
FORT CARSON, Colo. — Major Carl Vandemeer inadvertently awakened a Balrog this past Thursday, sources said, while delving into the 4th Infantry Division shared drive for an old product to reference. The Balrog, an ancient demon of flame and shadow, was found buried beneath dozens of nested subfolders, inside a file marked “old products.” Vandemeer,…
NEW YORK CITY SEWERS — The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles hosted a seminar on thriving in toxic environments for members of the armed forces this week. “Cowabungahooah, dudes!” Team leader Leonardo greeted the group. “I hear a lot of you say you can’t thrive in toxic environments. Well, I’m here to tell you all the…
WASHINGTON — After a long battle with customer satisfaction issues, the Department of Veterans Affairs—known to friends and coworkers as “VA”— took its own life in a veteran’s driveway Tuesday evening after reading the former service member’s highly critical post-care survey. “I tried so hard to make sure patients have something to listen to during…
WASHINGTON — Following a bitter all-night debate, Congress has officially deadlocked over two competing bills which would force the armory to finally accept our goddamn rifles. Senate Republicans have said there are too many differences between their bill, “The Clean AR Act” and House Democrats’ version, known as “Black Chevrons Matter.” Sen. Dan Sullivan (R—AK)…
WASHINGTON – President Donald Trump’s eldest son, Donald Trump Jr., is facing criticism following a recent bounty hunting trip to Afghanistan. Although Trump Jr.’s reputation as a big-game hunter has generated controversy in the past, this latest trip—collecting Russian bounties on American troops—is causing some backlash in Washington. “It’s well known that I am a…
FORT BRAGG, N.C, — Move aside, Green Berets! Recently leaked classified documents reveal the military’s latest pet project: a top-secret new airborne force, composed entirely of cats — E.C.H.O. Force (Elite Cats Hunting the Opposition). Insiders say the cats sometimes refer to themselves as The Cats Who Stare at Men. Their slogan is “Clawus autem…