Hangin' on Posco Pier!
FORT LEE, Virginia – Garrison and area residents are marveling at the specter of Gen. Ulysses S. Grant urinating on the main gate of this post in what is being called “the Civil War’s first live streaming event.” According to local paranormal investigator Helen “Velma” Martinson, Grant’s ghost began his ethereal number one on the…
WASHINGTON — This week, U.S. Secretary of Defense Mark Esper authorized ‘Skype-suit’ attire for teleconferencing, acquiescing to demands for relaxed uniform standards for teleworking and hoping to distract from recent issues around his leadership. Personnel must wear the tops of their duty uniforms, but everything below the waist is a matter of personal discretion. Civilians…
SOUTH BURLINGTON, Vt. — In a stunning move from a company known for its liberal politics and opposition to violence, Ben & Jerry’s has announced an ice cream flavor in honor of former Secretary of Defense James Mattis as part of its monthly “Flavors of Courage” awards. “At first I was skeptical of [Mattis],” said…
MINNEAPOLIS, Minn. — Minnesota National Guard units mobilized in response to ongoing protests report the situation on the ground is “Serious, dangerous, and just downright uncivilized.” “Oh yah, hey,” Captain Lina Linasdotterson said to reporters earlier today. “Is it crazy out there? You betcha. However we’re doing our best to reduce violence, stop looting, and…
WASHINGTON — As the United States works through its immense internal challenges with human rights, equality, and government use of force, Syrian president Bashar al-Assad seeks to help the US in the same way the US helped during the recent Syrian civil war. “We’re sending advisors from our elite special operations units to, you know,…
WASHINGTON – Continuing a streak of top five finishes that dates back to the country’s founding, America formally announced its second place victory in the Afghan War on Wednesday. “From the moment the War on Terror began, we knew we would settle for nothing less than a podium finish” said Secretary of Defense Mark Esper….
SAN ANTONIO, Texas — Members of the 470th Military Intelligence Brigade at Fort Sam Houston have expressed concern and confusion following an event early Thursday morning. A newly assigned warrant officer showed up for PT and worked out with the troops. Later that same day, the same warrant officer could be found working at his…
WASHINGTON — Excitement over a recently released update to the wildly popular Call of Duty video game franchise turned to confusion and worry this week as thousands of gamers discovered that they had unexpectedly enlisted in the army. It turns out that Activision, in coordination with the U.S. Army, tucked the military’s Oath of Enlistment…
FORT BRAGG, N.C. — After months of complaints from spouses regarding employment opportunities and low morale at the Garrison town hall meetings, senior leaders from across the installation have decided the most “All American” thing they can do is to open the Army’s first on-base strip club. The leader of the Family Readiness Group, Alexis…
CAMP LEJEUNE, N.C. — While conducting training at the Camp Lejeune M.O.U.T. (Military Operations in Urban Terrain) town over the weekend, the Marines of 3rd Battalion, 2nd Marine Regiment were surprised to find the simulated-Middle Eastern village occupied by Air Force hipsters. The first squad to infiltrate the town square reported seeing a horde of men in…