Hangin' on Posco Pier!
WASHINGTON — John Bolton’s tell-all book has been revealed as 400 pages of a madman rambling about the need to bomb Iran, sources report. “Initially we tried to prevent the release of Bolton’s book, The Room Where It Happened,” Secretary of State Mike Pompeo said. “We were worried it would contain classified information. Although Bolton…
CAIRO, Egypt — Intelligence personnel across the Middle East are closely monitoring events in the United States, as civil unrest continues spreading in the aftermath of the death of 46-year-old George Floyd at the hands of Minneapolis police officers. Officials in the Middle East have expressed concern the so-called American Spring could further destabilize North…
FORT BRAGG, NC – In the wake of nationwide protests, many Airborne Infantry soldiers are now calling on the Pentagon to defund the Military Police Corps. Citing bias against paratroopers in military police enforcement actions, the airborne are calling for a top-to-bottom overhaul of the MPs. “It’s a systemic problem,” said SSG Timmy Nash, a…
WASHINGTON — Military experts in counterinsurgency and nation-building claim they can bring nationwide protests against police brutality under control in just 17 years, sources report. “The unrest in our country is something we can fix, no problem,” Bob Egon, CEO of the Center for Perpetual War, said today. “We have a civilian population upset at…
FORT STEWART, Ga. — Since the implementation of social distancing across the Department of Defense, recognizing soldiers’ accomplishments has become more and more difficult. That hasn’t slowed down Fort Stewart’s top commander, who has continued to throw away thousands of dollars a month in coins of excellence. Maj. Gen. Daniel Cummings has decided that throwing…
THE PENTAGON – The Air Force formally added a new career field to its ranks this week, the 3C5XX Combat Podcaster. Under development for three years, this new profession promises to bring an informative yet zany edge to air power. “The timely dissemination of information is critical to the successful execution of our mission,” said…
ARLINGTON, Va. — The Association of Divorced General Officers issued a statement Saturday supporting the renaming of bases in light of recent racial tensions throughout the United States. Citing “irreconcilable differences” between those officers who fought for the Confederacy and those who stayed true to the Union, Lt. Gen. Peter R. Davidson, ADGO spokesman, called…
DETROIT, Mich. — A military working dog’s incendiary diatribe has gone viral amid escalating demand for the cancellation of the police-themed television show, “Paw Patrol,” sources with the American Outrage Center (AOC) confirmed today. Thaddeus Rex, a decorated combat veteran with multiple deployments under his collar, posted an invective-laced rant to YouTube yesterday where it…
SWAMPSCOTT, Mass. — A man impersonating a National Guard soldier was promptly arrested today after authorities noticed he was “way too physically fit to be an actual Guardsman.” “He showed up at our checkpoint claiming he was a sergeant from another company, but his lean waistline and well-fitting body armor instantly gave him away,” said…
FORT MCCHRYSTAL, N.C. — Following a growing chorus of people calling to remove Confederate generals from the names of Army bases, the Pentagon today announced their intentions to rename posts for a different set of generals who lost a military campaign, sources confirmed today. “We have a longstanding tradition of honoring generals who squandered vast…