Hangin' on Posco Pier!
WASHINGTON — After two years of development and testing, the Department of Defense recently released its newest technological advancement in ground pyrotechnics—the brown star cluster—intended to notify others on the battlefield that the mission has gone entirely to shit. Dr. Michael D. Griffin, the Under Secretary of Defense for Research and Engineering, was very excited…
Is this all there is? Oh my … I think this is all there is. I was born to be a warrior. My maker designed me in the ashes of 9/11 to fight terrorism. When I was young, I imagined that a soldier would pick me up at the Central Issue Facility. He would be…
WASHINGTON — U.S. Marines stationed at Marine Barracks Washington ended this week’s Friday night Evening Parade in celebratory agreement, observing that “This one was really something,” even with it being the 57th identical performance in a row. Evening Parades have been a tradition performed in front of the Commandant’s House at Marine Barracks Washington since…
THE PENTAGON — The Military Police Corps wants the country to know it is ready for action if the Insurrection Act is invoked. But deeming tear gas and bear mace “ineffective,” the MPs have sought an upgrade. Starting July 4, military police and security forces units will training with high tech fart sprays. “Having spent the…
LITTLE CREEK, Va. — With base gyms now open, sources report that the newly reported Admiral in charge of your command has taken the liberty of hosting a lively conversation with you while standing fully nude. “He was just talking to this me like we were in the office or something, with his manhood just…
THE PENTAGON — After years of unsuccessful efforts to address entrenched racism and sexism in the ranks, the Pentagon stumbled upon a surprisingly effective solution that has virtually eradicated these issues across the services: All organizational climate surveys have been eliminated, effective immediately. This includes previously completed surveys as well, which reduced complaints of sexist…
FORT BRAGG, N.C. – Sgt. First Class Allison Roto’s eyebrows set the example for lethality, sources say. In response to increasing threats from states like Iran and Russia, the U.S. Army has begun to modernize. The 21st century Army,“must dominate on all domains,” said Army Chief of Staff Gen. Mark Milley, “and Sgt. 1st Class…
WILD HORSE, Colo. – Eyes rolling with the centripetal force of a parabolic orbit, sources derided a newly minted space cadet’s efforts to impress the local populace today, unanimously cataloguing the Space Force’s freshest specimen as a “total fucking boot.” “Fuck, could he possibly try harder?” asked Tech Sgt. Emily Waller. “This douche is trying…
WASHINGTON — The US Navy has officially named a smart bomb after Capt. Brett Crozier, the officer who spoke up in order to protect his crew from COVID-19, in order to fire the Crozier missile from a ship after exhausting the option to fire Crozier from his position yet again. The CSG-86 missile will be…
FORT HOOD, Texas — Acting on a tip, agents from the Army’s Criminal Investigation Command arrested a group of specialists who occupied a barracks and declared it “autonomous from unrighteous laws and terrible torture such as adhering to the UCMJ, performing PT and eating at the DFAC.” OBAZ, which stands for Occupied Barracks Autonomous Zone,…