Hangin' on Posco Pier!
WASHINGTON — Numerous general officers who contributed to America’s slow-motion failure in Afghanistan would like you to take their advice on how to defeat the coronavirus pandemic, sources confirmed today. “I think our advice is particularly timely for government officials. We know how to walk away from a disaster where people died with our reputations…
FORT JACKSON, S.C. — Spc. Tyson McClean, a light-wheeled vehicle mechanic with the 3-128th Infantry Battalion, might be a top barracks lawyer right now, but he ascribes to be a barracks judge someday. “With the uptick in barracks law suits and an increasingly litigious barracks culture, we need the best barracks judges,” said McClean. “I’m ready. I’ve been…
WASHINGTON — In an unprecedented public revelation, Deep State leaders announced plans to honor essential COVID-19 crisis actors with chemtrail flyovers throughout the month of May. “It is the least we can do for these heroes pretending to put their lives on the line so that the New World Order can flourish,” hissed Deep State…
WASHINGTON — Secretary of Defense Mark Esper confirmed that the Pentagon stands to lose billions of man-hours in pointless bullshit as military facilities worldwide continue telework and lockdown due to COVID-19, or Coronavirus. Gen. Mark Milley, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, echoed Esper, adding, “Our Armed Forces are about to miss out on…
THE PENTAGRAM — In the wake of a recently released report showing a three percent increase in reported sexual assaults across the military last year, the Pentagon issued a statement vowing immediate action: All annual sexual assault prevention training will have at least double the number of slides in them starting next year. “We must…
PHILADELPHIA, Pa. — The Blue Angels and Thunderbirds completed a flyover of the greater Philadelphia area to remind healthcare professionals that members of the military are still the only heroes America needs. The demonstration, which occurred around 2 p.m., left Philadelphians completely underwhelmed and confused about the utility of having warplanes fly over a city…
THE PENTAGON — Gen. Paul E. Funk II has heard the cries of a starving nation. What world could be content with only 40 Funk Fundamentals? Not this one. The new list came to Gen. Funk in a dream, as if from within the Gates of Valhalla, itself. He awoke this morning knowing that the…
FORT HOOD, Texas – In what friends and family are calling an existential crisis, Chief Warrant Officer 3 Chris Vance has been unsure where to disappear to since being ordered to work from home in response to COVID19. Vance, a Blackhawk helicopter pilot and Unit Safety Officer, typically spends his workday vanishing from either the…
SAN DIEGO – Tim Chen, an accomplished Jody servicing the wives of the U.S. Navy pacific fleet, has been forced into banging his own wife due to social distancing measures during COVID-19. “I’m approaching this with patience and innovation,” said Chen. “I’m willing to corrupt a deployed sailor’s wife over zoom, sexting, or even Microsoft Teams….