Hangin' on Posco Pier!
PENTAGON – Pentagon officials have expressed concern in recent days that the former commander of the USS Theodore Roosevelt may have infected other commanders with a desire to place the well-being of their troops over loyalty to senior leadership, sources confirmed Friday. “The seriousness of this cannot be overstated,” said Col. Vance Kushner, a Pentagon…
FORT BRAGG, N.C. – The Sgt. Maj. of 2-354th “Spartan” Battalion announced today during an ill-advised formation that wearing face masks in uniform did not represent the traditions and heritage of the Army. “I’ve seen the DoD directive about wearing face masks today, and I’ve seen a few masks around post. It looks unprofessional.” Sgt. Maj….
THE PACIFIC — Ousted Navy Secretary Thomas Modly said Wednesday that he would continue to investigate the theft of one quart of frozen strawberries aboard the USS Theodore Roosevelt, sources confirmed today. Modly’s investigation, called “perfectly reasonable” by Navy insiders, has continued despite a growing national security crisis which has killed over 10,000 Americans so…
OTTUMWA, Iowa — Local veterans’ rights advocate Dustin Boates was “pretty peeved” this morning to find changes to preferential parking at the strip mall on US Route 34. Spaces previously reserved for current and former members of the armed forces had new signs redesignating them for health care professionals in appreciation of their efforts fighting…
FORT BRAGG, N.C. —Expert land navigator and platoon leader First Lt. Keith Knoll is lost on the hunt for his girlfriend’s g-spot, sources say. Lt. Knoll reportedly searched for it for an enduring four minutes last Friday night. “I don’t get how I could’ve missed it,” lamented Knoll. “I plotted the point, shot my azimuth,…
THE PENTAGON — Sgt. Maj. of the Marine Corps Troy E. Black screamed at the press today during a conference, saying, “I can quit getting haircuts whenever I want!” The outburst came amid claims of irresponsible decision-making by essentially the entire Marine Corps leadership, as defies the orders of governors, scientists, and rational human beings….
THE PENTAGON — Reports have emerged of a mysterious hero fighting COVID-19—as well as toxic leadership across the Department of Defense. The hero, known only as “Captain C”, has made literal waves out of the excessive perspiring of senior Pentagon leaders over the last few days. According to an official who only gave his name…
PANAMA CITY, FL — High ranking military officers are hitting the beach this week despite concerns about COVID-19. A time-honored tradition for future generals, spring break this year instead is being called “irresponsible” in light of social distancing guidelines. “I’ve been trying to flatten the curve of this gut for the last 3 months,” said Col….
FORT BENNING, Ga. — Capt. Lynnette Diogo made history this week when she became the Army’s first ever female PowerPoint Ranger. Diogo, a West Point graduate, is currently the Assistant S-3 for the 2-29th Infantry Battalion. Diogo managed to endure grueling hours and late nights crafting hundreds of PowerPoint slides for commanders’ update briefs, yearly…
PYONGYANG, North Korea — Multiple sources have reported that the North Korean government abruptly ordered “all nonessential military personnel” to starve from home for the foreseeable future in light of mounting concerns surrounding the COVID-19 pandemic. “By the decree of our beloved Supreme Leader, all personnel who are not mission critical to keep the ravenous…