Hangin' on Posco Pier!
ATLANTA, Ga – The U.S. Centers for Disease Control announced today that Army medical researchers have uncovered an intriguing characteristic of COVID-19: not only is the virus “airborne,” it’s pretty obnoxious about it. “Looking through the microscope, you can see them practically preening around the other microorganisms, like they’re movie stars,” said Thomas Fry, a…
CAMP PENDLETON, Calif. — Wooooooweeee! The barracks is starting to look like that bitch Carole Baskin’s house. We got five live tigers up in this place, ya’all. And it’s awesome as hell. Holy shit, did those stimulus checks come at the right damn time. Did you know a tiger is only worth two stimulus checks?!…
General David H. Berger, Commandant of the Marine CorpsWe stands at an inflection point in history. We need innovative thinking to deter 21st Century threats, namely ChinaChina is embarking on a vast military modernization program, and could achieve military overmatch against the US in the Pacific by 2040. Your sergeant majorI’ve been hearing talk that…
THE PENTAGON – An unnamed Marine died yesterday after a prolonged battle with unchecked hair growth, Pentagon officials announced today. The deceased had also been identified as being positively infected with COVID-19, the hypervirulent pathogen responsible for over 136,000 deaths worldwide and a global economic meltdown. “We tell our Marines to have a fresh haircut…
DAVIDSONVILLE, Md. — To support his friend who is a nurse working during the COVID-19 pandemic, local veteran Drew McGann has been sending her care packages filled with chewing tobacco and pornography to keep her spirits up. “She’s out there working extra shifts and putting her health at risk to treat COVID patients. I know…
BEIJING – President Xi Jinping announced today that China is opening free web services to aid U.S. service members working at home due to novel Coronavirus restrictions. Xi said, “China offers these services in the spirit of military cooperation, in keeping with our long tradition of respecting international human suffering, and not in any way…
WASHINGTON — In an effort to protect service members from the COVID-19 pandemic, Pentagon officials have directed senior Army leaders to limit their sexual harassment of junior soldiers to texts and emails. “It’s just good common sense,” said Army spokesperson, Colonel Ricardo Suarez. “These are challenging times and leaders need to be as adaptive as…
By Cobra Commander I am watching all of you suddenly embrace the latest trend, which is a full-face mask which conceals your chin, mouth and nose. I just want all of you who are now adopting this style to know: You are fucking poseurs and you need to acknowledge that you’re just copying me. This…
FORT SAM HOUSTON, Texas — In the face of the worldwide COVID-19 pandemic, with confirmed cases on every military installation, Army leaders have taken decisive action aimed at preserving individual soldier readiness and mission focus by declaring public health emergencies, triggering mandatory health-protection directives which local unit-level senior leaders have implemented by disregarding them entirely….
NEW YORK CITY—The National Stolen Valor Association voted unanimously that in response to the COVID-19 pandemic, they would extend membership to individuals imitating doctors, nurses, EMTs and other healthcare professionals. “During these unique and unprecedented times, we have to be willing to change how we do business,” said Sgt. General Rambo Sigourney Weaver. “You might…