Hangin' on Posco Pier!
PYONGYANG — While definitive information regarding the health of North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un is notably absent, the secretive nation reported its first obesity related death in more than 70 years today, leading some Pentagon officials to believe the “Hermit Kingdom” has turned a corner in both agricultural development, and potentially human rights. “For decades,…
SAN DIEGO, Calif. — The fattest service nine years running, the Navy is seeking a solution to the obesity epidemic sweeping our nation’s military. The service has made it clear, however, that the solution must not entail regular unit physical training or actual, enforced height/weight standards. Leading from the deckplates, the sailors of the USS…
TWENTYNINE PALMS, Calif. – Despite attaining the rank of lieutenant colonel, assistant to the regimental S-3Z Jefferey Shortbus can best be described as a major asshole. The first indication of Lt. Col. Shortbus’ true colors came when he plastered the regimental headquarters with copies of his leadership philosophy, despite the fact that he is a…
PYONGYANG – Multiple intelligence sources announced Monday evening that Kim Jong Un, long time supreme leader of North Korea, is in critical condition while recovering from heart surgery. While sources vary on the severity of the despot’s condition and whether the surgery was a success, experts now agree that Kim Jong Deux has emerged as…
WASHINGTON — The Defense Department’s temporary halt to military moves could has left thousands of moving company workers unemployed. To offset the losses, companies are resorting to selling everyone’s stolen material goods, says a spokesperson for the American Moving and Storage Association. Greg Richards, director of government and military relations for U.S. Transportation Command, said…
PENTAGON — The Department of Defense has announced an agreement with the LEGO Group, which will begin manufacturing the next generation of landmines for use on the Korean peninsula. “This is going to be a game-changer,” said Col. Michael Roberts of Army Logistics and Materiel Command. “We’ve been looking for a new landmine that’s going…
WASHINGTON — To limit the spread of COVID-19, the Navy has announced the temporary loosening of its notoriously strict grooming standards. “We’re still going to make everyone go to work where they will be exposed to the virus,” said Acting Navy Secretary James E. McPherson. “[Former Acting SecNav Thomas] Modly’s idea was to let them…
KLEBER KASERNE, Kaiserslautern, Germany—Furloughed GS employee Molvin Pootnose has been dealing with the worldwide COVID-19 isolation restrictions better than most. He’s taken up origami, embarked on a documentary-viewing endeavor to broaden his historical knowledge, and has been practicing meditation daily. But if there’s one thing that he’s really missing, one thing that would make him…
SAN DIEGO — A representative of Princess Cruises has met with the U.S. Navy Pacific fleet to share what the cruise ship operator has learned about Coronavirus in the past month. “The important thing is to get people on ships,” said Pierre Phillipe, Princess Cruises spokesman. “You can figure out the rest underway.” Princess Cruises,…
NAS FALLON, Nev. — Navy fighter pilot, Lt. Lance “Ox” Mandrake, graduated first in his classes at the Naval Academy, Flight School, and TOPGUN. But his records indicate that, despite his 20/20 vision, he has yet again been passed over for promotion to O-4 for a glaring inability to see why kids love Cinnamon Toast…