Hangin' on Posco Pier!
FORT DIX, N.J. — In response to the outbreak of novel Coronavirus, or COVID-19, a commander has opted to hold a mandatory all hands meeting to discuss quarantine procedures. “The best way to spread things is in person,” said Col. Vic Fleming, garrison commander. “We all need to get the same things across, and a little…
WASHINGTON — The Department of Veterans Affairs returned a feedback survey to Staff Sgt. Michael Gillespie on Tuesday, noting “More evidence is needed before we can process your feedback.” “It’s frustrating,” said Gillespie, a retired soldier who was dissatisfied with the way the VA processed his disability claim. “I had to deal with them for…
WASHINGTON — Senior Pentagon officials paused their usual circle-jerk sessions to protect themselves from the coronavirus, sources confirmed today. Officials reportedly agreed to the moratorium after three people in the Washington, D.C., area were diagnosed with the disease last week, and after former President Barack Obama asked Americans to take “common sense precautions” like forgoing…
Leaving Afghanistan reminds many troops of getting divorced from their first spouse. While they may now be incredibly happy, free, and ready to bang anything that moves, it can be sad to say goodbye to a person or place that, while they made you miserable, provided some of life’s defining experiences. Much like a bad…
FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Military priorities put majors last on the triage list as a part of procedures to manage the COVID-19 coronavirus outbreak, sources confirmed. Emails obtained by reporters show that the Army Surgeon General directed hospitals to apply a “Priority 3 (minimal care; do not resuscitate)” tag to majors. This tag prioritizes soldiers…
KABUL, Afghanistan — Despite America’s best efforts to leave Afghanistan, the central Asian country refuses to accept the breakup. Afghanistan responded to the latest attempt by texting, “Oh no you didn’t.” America’s social media relationship status with Afghanistan has long been listed as “It’s complicated.’ The open relationship involves a lot of financial support for…
ARLINGTON — Retired Major General Edmund G. Ripper was laid to rest on Thursday, and per the wishes outlined in his will, he was joined and forever entombed with copies of all of the PowerPoint slides that helped him throughout his 30-year career. “It’s not the first time we’ve had such a … voluminous request,”…
WASHINGTON — As the Army evaluates several prototype aircraft for its Future of Vertical Lift modernization initiative, one coal-powered tiltrotor is quickly gaining popularity with Congress. “This amazing piece of machinery is something our troops just really, really need to deter clean ener—ahem, the Russians,” said Sen. Joe Manchin (D-WV). “Plus, coal power is organic…
WASHINGTON — With the 20th anniversary of the disastrous Pearl Harbor movie just over a year away, a private commission is urging creation of a monument to commemorate the tragic event. As people across the country prepare to remember the infamous events of May 25, 2001, a group of historians and veterans have gathered in…
KABUL — Fed up with its lack of progress and increasing obesity, the United States has told the Afghanistan War to “Get your ass off the couch and get a damn job!” according to sources. “I’ve fucking had it with this war,” said the nation, shaking its head and brushing lint off its cardigan sweater….