Hangin' on Posco Pier!
MOSUL, Iraq — Islamic State leader Abu Abdul Bari always suspected infidel intelligence services were on to him. For years, he lived in fear of the CIA, Mossad, and the Ghost Busters. So he was not surprised when he recently Googled himself and learned from Wikileaks that he had been issued an “objective name,” an…
THIS CRAZY, BEAUTIFUL WORLD — Some moments in nature are beautiful simply because of how rare they are. Many beautiful events are nothing compared to the glory that is a raven taking flight. And then there are some natural events that are indescribable. A warrant officer showing up to PT? There are no words. When…
FORT LEE, Va. — Lt. Col. Wendell Bowers caused the United States to lose the Global War on Terror this week after he allowed his S3 section leave prior to 1900 hours one evening, sources confirm today. “Next week, we will publicly surrender to the Taliban, the Islamic State, and several other B-list terrorist groups,…
WASHINGTON – Austrian daredevil Felix Baumgartner was awarded U.S. Space Force jump wings today, making him the very first recipient of the new service’s most coveted badge. The U.S. flew him in from Vienna to honor his heroic 2012 jump from the stratosphere, wherein he became the first man to break the sound barrier without…
KABUL — Army Spc. Wyatt Allen was furious Thursday after finding a rifle unattended in a portable latrine on Bagram Air Base, sources say. Allen became even angrier when he discovered that the rifle belong to none other than Gen. Austin S. Miller, the four-star general commanding all US forces in Afghanistan. “These fucking Delta…
YOUR COLON – Hello human carrier. It is us, the grains of sand stuck so far up your bunghole that you’d need a colonoscopy by a real civilian doctor to find us. Looks like your ass, our host, is headed back to Iraq. It’ll be a homecoming for all of us, so is this deployment…
WASHINGTON, Planet Earth – The first Chief of Space Operations, Gen. John Raymond, deeply regrets crowdsourcing the name for America’s newest military branch, according to sources. “I thought it would be a fun way to get young airmen involved in the process,” lamented the general, who sources say has never spoken to a young airman…
THE PENTAGON — The Army may have a new physical fitness test, but the Navy has countered with a new Combat Fatness Test. All chief petty officers and above are going to be required to take the test in front of crowds of lower-ranking personnel in public forums. Master Chief Petty Officer of the Navy…
The commander of a military dining facility at Bagram Airbase was fired this week due to a “loss of condiments” within his command, according to a Resolute Support Mission press release. Col. Sonny “Saucy” Soucy’s relief comes amid a string of high profile firings within the Department of Defense in recent months, although officials with…
WASHINGTON — The Department of Veteran Affairs will now guarantee a loan to help service members leave their spouses, Secretary Robert Wilkie confirmed today. The loan looks to provide financial stability to finally get out of the black hole of despair that is your marriage. The loan will provide an initial $1,000 for divorce fees,…