Hangin' on Posco Pier!
DOHA, Qatar – The Taliban has unexpectedly called for the extradition of the zookeeper who killed Harambe the gorilla, State Department officials confirmed today. The move has cast a pall of uncertainty just ahead of the deadline for a peace deal between the US and the Taliban. Harambe, a prominent Ohioan who achieved global celebrity…
FORT BRAGG — Devout Catholic and dedicated first sergeant Anthony Lawrence has decided to give up on the soldiers in his company for the 40-day period of Lent this year. The company commander, Capt. Patrick Donahue, is proud of his enlisted advisor for making such a sacrifice. “I’m giving up energy drinks and online poker…
MOSCOW — The Kremlin has decided to cease a variety of malign activities for Lent, reports say. The 40-day period includes all manner of hybrid warfare activities ranging from assassinating dissidents with nerve agents and shooting down civilian airliners to hacking US political parties and spreading propaganda on the Internet. Russian President Vladimir V. Putin…
FORT KNOX, Ky. – Army Human Resources Command (HRC) announced that Russian and Chinese army personnel specialists will review officer records in an “international delight” section of the new Battalion Commander Assessment Program (BCAP). Begun in January 2020, BCAP is designed to improve battalion command selection through comprehensive officer evaluations with personal interviews, physical fitness…
WASHINGTON — General Paul E. Funk II, Commander of US Army Training and Doctrine Command, released his command philosophy this week. Sources confirm it is just a list of inspirational memes lifted from the social networking site Pinterest. Experts have further determined the Pinterest quotes were adapted from a variety of sources, including a forwarded…
CORONADO, Calif. – Sources close to the Naval Special Warfare Command (NAVSPECWARCOM) have revealed the command has discreetly severed ties with the public relations firm of Livingston, Aldred, and Burley. Contracted in 2011, the firm had a single purpose — to help bring a paradigm shift to the public image of the Navy’s premier commando…
RESOLUTE SUPPORT HQ, Afghanistan — The potential for an end to The Forever War has prompted the generals in Afghanistan to scramble to create a formal plan for how to leave. Maj. Robert “Bob” Virile is up to the task. Bob is a real family man, and the perfect individual from a Public Relations perspective….
YOUR HOME — A camel spider you unknowingly adopted during your recent Iraq deployment has expressed excitement at the prospect of finally meeting you. “I can’t believe how generous my benefactor is,” the six-inch-long solifugid told reporters from inside your large green duffel bag at the airport. “Not only have I been spirited out of…
By General Mark A. Milley – Chairman, Joint Chiefs of Staff As we stand on the precipice of yet another shitty little conflict, I was taken aback with the news that the Selective Service website recently crashed due to the overwhelming number of citizens searching for how to avoid a potential draft. It is beyond…
FAYETTEVILLE, N.C. — Cpl. Marcus Watkins of the 173rd Logistical Battalion has inspired hundreds by actually doing his job, sources report. Watkins has been praised for filling out paperwork on time, answering emails, and even showing up to work. Conduct like this has placed him head and shoulders above his peers at the office. “Watkins…