Hangin' on Posco Pier!
WASHINGTON — TikTok, the Chinese-owned, teeny-bopper social media platform, has been available to Americans for over five years. That’s why the Army’s recent decision to ban TikTok has one military flag officer suspecting that the new restriction is less about private security concerns, and more about holding back his rising status as an online influencer. “It’s […]
SANTA CLARITA, Calif. — Chris Peterson, CEO of LA Fitness Holdings LLC, publicly apologized for his company’s ill-timed marketing campaign to “draft Americans back into the gym” that resulted in nationwide panic and confusion. “I push my staff to create new, exciting engagement strategies to help people become their best, most swole selves,” Rondeau said. […]
TEHRAN — The Iranian government has avenged the recent death of Iranian tourist Qasem Soleimani in an American strike near Baghdad the only way they saw fit: by indulging in the aimless slaughter of their Iraqi neighbors. “The American decision to kill Soleimani, who was just an innocent man trying to get to Jerusalem, was […]
WASHINGTON — Following calls for revenge after a U.S. strike which killed Iranian General Qassem Soleimani, American defense contractors have promised that no attacks against the U.S. will go unprofitable. “Let us assure the American people right now, any strike against the United States and its citizens will be met with swift and costly acquisitions […]
Detroit, Mich. — With the communists in Congress engaged in the worst witch hunt in history, it can seem like loyalty to the President is hard to come by. That’s what makes real American heroes like local veteran Will Anders so incredible. “They call Trump a warmonger, then complain when he ends the war in […]
TEHRAN, Iran — An Air Force feasibility study has revealed that Iran has no hotels that meet the high standards for housing U.S. Air Force airmen should they be deployed in response to the country’s recent turmoil. The study was reported to congress by Air Force Chief of Staff Gen. David L. Goldfein earlier this […]
FORT MEADE, Md. — U.S. CYBERCOM is saying “Watch out, China and Russia!” because the new faces of cyber warfare lethality are hot shots Jeff and Tina, fresh from their renowned service with the DOD Cyber Challenge. Jeff made his mark as a Challenge information technology specialist who remotely monitored employee activities. “He never tired […]
BAGHDAD — An Iranian tourist was killed by an American airstrike in Baghdad on Thursday night, further inflaming relations between the United States and Iran. The strike, which occurred at Baghdad International Airport, resulted in the death of Qassim Suleimani, a middle-aged bureaucrat who was on his way to Jerusalem via Baghdad and Damascus, according […]
BAGHDAD, Iraq — Ohhhh snap, it’s on! Yeah, you heard right. IT. IS. ON! We all done sent the 82 Airborne and they’re ripping into Baghdad to defend freedom, drink them some Rip Its, and paint them some rocks! We gonna drop those 82 bubbas and shealas right on top of that Iran-whatever-it-is junk going […]
ARLINGTON, Va. – The Pentagon has released the results of an internal investigation into the Department of Defense’s awards process. Most noteworthy, the report found that every single Legion of Merit ever awarded has been complete and total bullshit. Capt. Roger Forsythe, a spokesman for the Pentagon’s Headquarters and Headquarters Comapany, told reporters, “We really […]