Hangin' on Posco Pier!
WASHINGTON — The National Security Agency announced this morning they will be unveiling the result of almost two decades of data collection: A new smartphone app will translate your girlfriend’s passive-aggressive “I don’t care where we eat” into the actual restaurant she really has in mind. The technology will work like Amazon’s Alexa. After a […]
QUANTICO, Va. – After year of extensive testing, the Marine Corps announced it would begin issuing maternity body armor to expectant mothers and corpulent colonels by fiscal year 2021. “It’s all about increasing readiness and deployability,” said Brig. Gen. Martin Preggers. “And lethality. For years we’ve been trying to make sure that our Marines never […]
THE PENTAGON — The Department of Defense announced today that all the computers in the Pentagon had been upgraded to Windows 95, sources report. “The future of war is in the cyber realm,” Capt. Mark Holland told reporters. “Upgrading to an operating system a decade ahead of anything we’ve used before puts us on the […]
FORT SAM HOUSTON, Texas — A pesticide treatment at the headquarters of U.S. Army North accidentally killed all of the civil servants assigned there, according to surviving Army officers. More than 70 Army civilians—plus one unlucky Homeland Security liaison—were exterminated during a recent response to a cockroach infestation at the headquarters, which is located in […]
Oorah! Stand at ease, please! Yeah I know you weren’t at attention, I just wanted to say that so I could feel like a real officer. What are you up to? Nothing? That doesn’t seem very productive. Are you reading anything good right now? No? You’re not reading anything? Wow, that’s very … blue collar […]
FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Yaaaaaaaawwwwwwn. Like, oh so you’re Airborne? No. One. Caaaaaares. I was Airborne once. And holy cheese wiz did we sit around a lot and throw up in our shirt sleeves a bunch. Why did we have to show up before the sun rose for a night jump?! WHY?! WHyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?! Because. Because […]
2020 is well under way, and the drawdown in the Middle East has reversed course. We now have a whole new brigade of the 82nd Airborne Division deployed, new units are moving into Poland and the Pacific, and an entire new branch—the Space Force, which may deploy soldiers to the Moon as early as August […]
SHIREMANSTOWN, PA — Amateur national security analyst James Sweeney has some ideas on how the United States should deal with Iran politically and militarily in light of the recent hostilities between the two nations. Sweeney, who never served in the military, works as a a construction worker in rural Pennsylvania and suggested the U.S. should […]
WASHINGTON — Lost in the nostalgia of developing an inexplicably useless combat uniform for use in an asinine war that didn’t need to happen during the 2000s, Army leaders are scrambling to come up with as stupid of a uniform as possible in time for the outbreak of an unnecessarily developing conflict with Iran, sources […]
WALTHAM, Mass. — The Raytheon Institute, a bipartisan think tank that specializes in starting Middle Eastern wars, has released a report that estimates the imminent Iran War will be approximately one letter different from the ongoing Iraq War. “We based our analysis primarily on the words themselves,” explained Richard Cheney, the institute’s Bonelli Fellow. “If […]