Hangin' on Posco Pier!
FORT MEADE, Md. — The Defense Department unveiled its first joint utilities uniform, approved for all service members staffing cyber missions. The “Combined Uniform Camouflage” pattern breaks with the past by being covered in blurred dicks. “As a soldier, I love new uniforms and we needed a fresh look that reflects the cyber battlespace and […]
KANDAHAR, Afghanistan — After an Operation Resolute Support announcement this morning claiming that a drone strike has killed Abu Nacheez, a mid-level Taliban commander active in Helmand Province, all hostilities in Afghanistan ceased immediately, according to CENTCOM sources. A Taliban spokesperson confirmed the death on Twitter. In a lengthy tweetstorm, he wrote, “We could handle […]
The following are essays penned by Jason Wiseman, a mid-level logistics coordinator for a major corporation and former Army Air Defense Artillery officer who served five years in the active force during the late 1990s. Point: Participation trophies are for the weak By: Jason Wiseman In today’s snowflake society, everyone wants something for nothing and […]
FORT LEAVENWORTH — The Army has admitted to losing your flu shot paperwork because it wants you to die. Like, for realz. The Army was pretty chill about its admission, not getting all emotional about it, saying, “Yeah, I lost your shit and I hope you die, bro.” Last week, Capt. Patrick Redshirt, a student […]
WASHINGTON — Hundreds of billions of dollars in military hardware deals narrowly escaped harm after a Saudi gunman opened fire on military personnel in Pensacola. earlier this month “Understanding many Americans are rightfully concerned over the health and wellbeing of our foreign military sales relationship with the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia, I am pleased to […]
FORT BRAGG — Confusion followed the discovery that Second Lt. Butch Stymie, an infantry platoon leader, was actually just a private sitting on another private’s shoulders inside a trench coat. “I thought the trench coat was just some eccentric officer baloney,” said Sgt. 1st Class Alfalfa McFarland, Stymie’s platoon sergeant. “Other than that, nothing seemed […]
THE PENTAGON — The Department of Defense announced this morning that, contrary to popular conception, not every player on the field at the 2019 Army/Navy game would be willing to die for everyone watching according to a six-month, $3 million study. The study asked a variety of questions, including whether military members should all be […]
ANNAPOLIS, Md. – Ahead of the annual Army-Navy game, Navy Football has unveiled their custom 2019 game uniforms. The uniforms are Donald Duck themed and come complete with a custom helmet, receiver gloves, and a new jersey—but no pants. For the past several seasons Army and Navy have each released custom uniforms honoring individuals or […]
PARADISE — U.S. service members entering the afterlife note all is not well beyond the Pearly Gates. “I always thought eternal rest meant, well, peace and quiet and maybe some beers by the lake for a couple hundred years,” said former U.S. Army Spc. Paul Linscome. “Instead, I got there and St. Peter had me […]
FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Womack Army Medical Center, commonly referred to as Hell’s Hospital, finally surpassed Afghanistan’s infant mortality rate. The rate improved dramatically once Hell decided to talk to literally any other medical facility outside of the Department of Defense network. Col. John Melton, commanding officer of Hell’s Hosptial, gave a brief congratulatory speech […]