Hangin' on Posco Pier!
WASHINGTON, D.C. – At a surprise press conference in the Rose Garden this morning, White House Press Secretary Stephanie Grisham announced that the United States had annexed Kuwait, which will now be considered the 51st state. Grisham assured reporters that the move would not affect ongoing military operations in country. “Disruption on the ground will […]
YOUR LOCAL BASE CLINIC — Shocking documents reveal that the little button on the hearing test clicker is actually a direct line to the nipples of America’s greatest enemies. The story broke when a contract electrician at Camp Pendleton found an odd yellow and black striped wire during a renovation of the base clinic. The […]
FORT SILL, Okla. – The Excellent Fires Center of Excellence announced Tuesday “Ok boomer” would be the school’s new motto. “Every time I ask the young specialists to do something, they say, ‘OK, boomer,” said Maj. Gen. Wilson Shockner, commander of the field artillery school. “I get pumped up every time I hear it.” “Boom […]
COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. — The 2019 growing season produced a bumper crop of cubicle colonels, U.S. Northern Command announced today. “We’re proud to report that this year’s harvest resulted in a 12 percent increase in colonels,” said Maj. Roberta Daisy, an Air Force public affairs officer. “This means that NORTHCOM out-produced all other combatant commands […]
WEST POINT, N.Y. — The U.S. Military Academy at West Point will offer online degrees and college credits for military service and life experience beginning in 2020, an Army spokesperson told reporters today. “Times are tight without a reliable budget,” said Brig. Gen. Curtis A. Buzzard, the academy’s commandant. “By opening the school up to […]
ARLINGTON, Va. — Harking back to his long ago days on active duty, retired Army Maj. Todd Andrews said he wished he had spent more time with his unit’s training schedule while he still had the time. “So many opportunities lost in my youth,” Andrews said. “I spent my whole life chasing these dreams of […]
MYSTICAL ISLAND OF CATAN – President Donald Trump asked Congress to declare war on the Settlers of Catan, sources report. The dispute began when the president’s hopes of building the longest road came to a screeching halt after his wood and brick production dried up. “I built all my settlements on six-token resource hexes, the […]
WASHINGTON — Volunteers for the U.S. Space Force (USSF) have been overwhelmed with a hyperactive desire to know exactly what will happen when they finally get the chance to enthusiastically rub one out in space, sources confirmed. The volunteers, drawn from all service branches to the space force mission, are excited at the prospect of […]
WASHINGTON — The Afghanistan Papers contained many shocking revelations, but none more surprising than the behind-the-scene admission by senior Pentagon officials that Lee Greenwood’s “God Bless the U.S.A.” is “fucking terrible.” Emails between senior leaders showed the Defense chiefs have for years hated the classic patriotic country ditty as “a cacophony of ear-splitting horror.” “Just […]
FORT IRWIN — Staff Sgt. Darren Eden has reportedly turned down a 6 month deployment to an “undisclosed location in Southwest Asia” in order to avoid feeling compelled to see an early viewing of the new Star Wars film, Rise of Skywalker. Eden has a long history of avoiding Star Wars like the plague since […]