Hangin' on Posco Pier!
HONOLULU — A new report from U.S. IndoPacific Command reveals harrowing details about China’s growing fleet of vert ramps, which experts say can only be countered by heavy investment in tactical rollerblades. “We’re talking 15-foot ramps, handrails, big air jumps, the works,” said INDOPACOM Commander Adm. Philip Davidson. “If we want to assert our supremacy […]
DAMASCUS — On Saturday, Russian Air Force bombers killed a senior Islamic State facilitation leader named Hussain Junaid al-Amriki during an air raid on a hospital in Idlib Province, Syria. Russian leaders are triumphing the move as an important contribution to the ongoing campaign against the terrorist group. The Russian bombers unexpectedly killed al-Amriki during […]
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump has pardoned Ft. Hood shooter Nidal Hassan, his lawyers report. “Pathetic lawyers and courts are unfairly judging our men in uniform,” Trump tweeted earlier today. “These people are so far removed from the battlefield they act like Nidal Hasan is a threat to people safe at their desks. SAD!” Hasan […]
DURHAM, N.C. — Veteran-owned clothing company Ranger Up has released a first-of-its kind “Tactical Bathrobe” for customers who are unemployed veteran operators. According to the company’s website, the TacRobe X4 will come complete with built-in magazine pouches and a bottle opener to crack open that last beer you’ll have before you start applying for jobs. […]
AL JANNAH (Heaven) — Earlier this week, former ISIS head Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi announced that he has obtained more virgins in the afterlife than fellow afterlifer Jeffery Epstein. The announcement came through a psychic medium currently employed by ISIS. Al-Baghdadi, who allegedly committed suicide during a U.S. raid on his location, says he killed himself […]
WASHINGTON — Coast Guard officials are preparing for the looming government shutdown, or “fundraising season” as they now call it, with a celebrity-hosted telethon, sources confirmed today. “Other Homeland Security agencies are getting ready to furlough their employees, but this year we have multiple funding streams to get us through to the next continuing resolution,” […]
FORT BRAGG. N.C. — Army Chief of Staff Gen. James McConville has officially forbidden soldiers 18- to 20-years old from getting married while in the Army. The decision results from the study of decades’ worth of empirical evidence. Eighteen-year-olds throughout the ages have proposed to their high school sweethearts, only to deploy or PCS and […]
FORT IRWIN, California — Army Master Sgt. Matthew Lowe made history today after clearing his name in a landmark discrimination case with an unlikely defense—he hates everyone equally. “Am I happy?” asked Lowe when responding to reporters. “Look, I regret that a soldier felt like they were being singled out, but I’m glad that we’ve […]
HOLLYWOOD, Calif. — The numbers are in from opening weekend, and Midway has captured America’s hearts as equally as it has rekindled a history of deep-seated racism against the Japanese. “We couldn’t be happier!” Roland Emmerich said after a screening. “We were thinking of included scenes about the internment of Japanese Americans, or even a […]
ATLANTA, Ga. — Delta Airlines, the world’s second largest carrier, announced today that it would offer a promotion called “Thank You, Heroes” aimed at active duty personnel, military veterans, and their family members. “We just wanted to give something back to the military community that has sacrificed so much,” said Delta CEO Ed Bastian during […]