Hangin' on Posco Pier!
WASHINGTON — The White House search to identify a CIA whistleblower linked to the current Trump-Ukraine-Biden scandal has taken a surprising twist. Rapper Daniel Hernandez, aka Tekashi 6ix9ine, has admitted that he is the whistleblower. “Yeah, I blew the whistle,” said Hernandez, “but it was Trump who was trying to get Ukraine to mess with […]
NORTHERN SYRIA — Kurdish fighters of the Syrian Democratic Forces, or SDF, are still waiting anxiously for the U.S. to return after it left on Monday, saying it was “going out for a pack of smokes.” Sources say the U.S. ruffled the Kurds’ hair, put on its coat, and looked back wistfully before walking out […]
KOBANE, Syria — The leadership of the Syrian Democratic Council has demanded the United States at least buy the Kurdish people of northeast Syria dinner before fucking them so hard. The statement comes in response to the Trump Administration’s recent policy that essentially green-lighted a Turkish military operation into the region. Ilham Ahmed, President of […]
GUANTANAMO BAY, Cuba – After nearly 20 years in the custody of U.S. Forces, Taliban leader Ahmed Yusef Umar is looking forward to the next chapter in his life of Jihad: retirement. Umar will begin receiving retirement benefits, including Medicare and Social Security, as early as 2020. Classified an enemy combatant, Umar has been in […]
FORT SILL, Okla. — In the first documented case of artificial intelligence committing suicide, a “predictive keyboard” self-destructed yesterday after Defense Advanced Research Project Agency (DARPA) scientists forced it to watch more than 20,000 hours of Sergeants Major Academy courses. Once considered a “quantum leap in technology,” the bot’s final words captured on a printout […]
MINOT AFB, N.D. — Air Force leaders are applauding a group of airmen for using the popular “Tetris Challenge” to show how much shit enterprising security police forces can lose in just one year. The Tetris Challenge is a recent series of internet postings featuring military, first-responder, or law enforcement units from around the world […]
WASHINGTON — The Army posted a photo to Instagram today with the caption “Feeling cute, may change the Army uniform later, IDK.” The Air Force and Coast Guard both totally liked the photo. The Navy left a sarcastic GIF in reply, mocking the Army’s clear attempt at garnering extra attention. The Marines called the Army […]
WASHINGTON — Happy birthday, Coast Guard! Semper paramus, you magnificent puddle pirates! We love you guys. We do. We’re so happy to—wait, what? Crap. Look. We totally had this on our calendar, but it, uh. Yeah. We’re going to be honest with you, Coast Guard: We totally forgot. There’s just so many times you were […]
THE PENTAGON — General Mark A. Milley, new Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, has filed a formal grievance after discovering the outgoing chairman left him a book full of dong art. Milley was sworn in on the last day of September, replacing Marine Corps General Joseph F. Dunford. But within an hour of […]
JOINT BASE SAN ANTONIO, Texas – A heartbreaking scene unfolded today at an Air Mobility Command terminal when staff told a general he would not be able to deploy with his emotional support mistress. As the general waited to board a plane with the young captain sitting on his lap, an airman working at the […]