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IDLIB, Syria – The remaining Islamic State senior leaders are looking inward to address reports of toxic organizational culture following news that their leader, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, killed himself this weekend. “His death was tragic but preventable. This is a perfect example of our lack of resiliency,” said one senior ISIS leader. “He was a […]
SYRIA — After being denied care for serious mental health issues at his local ISIS VA hospital, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi walked out to the parking lot and detonated an explosive vest. “He was paranoid that armed men in black helicopters were coming to take him away,” said ISIS psychologist Dr. Ramul Omar. “Which […]
WASHINGTON — The Pentagon sent the Kurds an ambiguous message at 02:14 this morning, according to a source embedded in northern Syria. The text message, “U up?” is being called by some experts, “A booty call.” Two weeks ago the Trump administration made the decision to pull out of northern Syria and abandon the once […]
SAN DIEGO, Calif. — Sources at the Navy Lodge on North Island have reported multiple sightings of terrifying apparitions and demonic sounds coming from Room 453. However with a beautiful balcony view of the Pacific Ocean and an unbeatable price of $79 per night, the room is still worth it, even considering the risk of […]
FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Sacrifice has always been part of military life. Previous generations have shown their support for the troops by tying yellow ribbons around old oak trees, or singing songs about how happy they’ll be when “Johnny comes marching home.” But that’s not good enough for today’s snowflake generation! When they’re not busy […]
FORT NATHAN BEDFORD FORREST, Moon – Space Force Planners announced the first space force base would be named after a confederate general for “reasons,” a Pentagon press release announced Monday. “In a tradition dating back to 1916, and maybe probably earlier, the Space Force will carry on the tradition of naming its bases after losing […]
CAMP LEMONNIER, Djibouti — Gen. Stephen Townsend visited the continent whose US forces he commands for the annual blessing of the rains down in AFRICOM. “The US Army has a long tradition of blessing the rains down in AFRICOM,” said AFRICOM Public Affairs spokesperson Jory Steinberg, whispering in a quiet conversation with reporters after arriving […]
WASHINGTON — Throwing the Pentagon into a frenzy this morning, sources say local four-star general Everett Thomas had only attained a one-star rating on user review app Yelp. Based on 126 customer reviews, the general’s dismal 1.2-star rating puts him below Washington, D.C.-based Mexican restaurant Señor Mariachi and a Wendy’s in Westerville, Ohio, but ahead […]
The following is a discussion between Army Spc. Travis Bales, an 11B infantryman with 3 combat deployment, who will present the point. The rebuttal is offered by Maj. Jack Rogers, a 2006 USMA graduate. POINT: West Point has long upheld itself as the standard bearer for the US Army officer corps. However, in the 21st […]