Hangin' on Posco Pier!
BAHRAIN — In an attack that has his entire chain of command scratching its heads, Marine Sgt. Cliff Smith committed a heinous war crime despite the fact that he shaved everyday. “I just don’t get it,” said his battalion Sgt. Maj. Mike Hofstra. “Sgt. Smith always has the cleanest shave and most finely pressed uniforms, yet […]
ANGEL GROVE, Calif. — For years, Jason Lee Scott, better known as the Red Power Ranger, has lived a life of lies and stolen valor on a hitherto unprecedented level. But his secret has finally come out: He never attended Ranger School. Two young men, who go by the names of Bulk and Skull, tipped […]
Throw away that copy of How to Argue and Win Every Time! We have you covered. The next time you find yourself decisively engaged in a conflict of words, here are eight ways to assure victory: 1. Talk over the other person. If they can’t get a word in, they can’t possibly win the argument. […]
’MURICA — The entire U.S. military returned home from Afghanistan this week, intending to give America a poignant, joyful surprise reunion. Instead, it caught America in bed with someone else. Friends of the military said it was “shocked and heartbroken” and had drowned itself in party liquor and disreputable women. “You hate to see it, […]
EDWARDS AIR FORCE BASE, Calif. — The U.S. Air Force is testing an improved,vegan version of the classic Cold War throwback weapon napalm, according to Air Force officials. The new weapon is expected to be able to burn the enemies of the United States to death while assuaging serious moral and environmental concerns. “Napalm is […]
DETROIT — Veterans fought for our first amendment rights, so it seems fitting that one charity is going above and beyond to help veterans exercise theirs: The charity is donating old cars to help vets shitpost rants about America. Hulks4Heroes, a 501(c) based in Detroit, is partnering with the Big Three automakers to donate automobiles […]
PETERSON AIR FORCE BASE, Colorado – Regardless of its recent official activation, U.S. Space Command (SPACECOM) operations will not be “go for launch” until the force masters space travel regulations, a super important civilian says. “Fiscal accountability applies in space just like on Earth” said GS-15 Bobby Hall, SPACECOM Resource Management Officer and Defense Travel […]
FORT BRAGG, N.C. — The entire Psychological Operations Regiment mourned today, as Capt. Robert Rivera was forced to receive a wicked haircut within military standards, resulting in Rivera’s immediate death. Much like Sampson, Robert Pattinson, or Robert Plant, Rivera received the majority of his sustaining life force from his courageously out-of-regulation haircut, which flowed down […]
FORT REDACTED, Ga. — The weird guy in your unit is asking a lot of questions about age of consent, sources report. Near the end of a three hour brief everyone was dying to leave, Cpl. Derek Charpe raised his hand. “The UCMJ says the minimum age is sixteen, what if it’s lower where we’re […]
JOINT BASE MYER–HENDERSON HALL, Va. — Former Sergeant Major of the Army Dan Dailey confided to friends today that he is excited to begin his lifelong dream of selling military prints at the local post exchange, or PX, while he completes his 1,270 days of terminal leave. “There are really only a few options we […]