Hangin' on Posco Pier!
FLAVORTOWN — President Donald Trump officially nominated Guy Fieri to fill the new post of Chairman of the Joint Chefs, the White house reported today. “I was speaking with my beautiful wife Melania the other night and I realized there were no bodacious amigos advising me on oil-logged, bomb-dot-com tasty grindage,” Trump told members of […]
WASHINGTON — After 71 years, the U.S. Air Force is changing its name, the U.S. As Fuck (USAF) announced today. The world’s premier air and space force decided on the change in response to surveys indicating that badly-needed recruits are drawn to motivational T-shirts, patriotic fantasies derived from gaming, and the hope of being considered […]
STUTTGART, Germany—Military liaison officers throughout Europe are anxiously watching developments after Major Marco Lopez, U.S. Army Europe (USAREUR) liaison to Headquarters, U.S. European Command (HQ USEUCOM), was relieved of duties for willfully working. According to reports, Lopez violated all known liaison officer professional standards by reporting for duty before 0800 on a beautiful Friday, efficiently […]
FORT BRAGG, N.C.—Maj. Sandra Jones has been whispered about throughout the SERE—survive, evade, resist, escape—community for weeks, as one of the very few attendees ever who seemed to completely enjoy the stressful training. “We can’t put our finger on it. We usually get the younger kids through this course, but Maj. Jones is a little […]
MIST COUNTY, Minn.—After a long career, it is finally time for National Guard Brigadier General James “Lucky” Lawrence to put away his lightly used combat boots. On Friday, he will retire from the Minnesota Guard after a long career in which he avoided service in in four American wars. He couldn’t be prouder. The general, […]
1. The Phalanx Why do millennials hate the ideal military formation, one that managed to create an offensive infantry juggernaut while protecting against frontal assault and cavalry? We don’t know. But nowadays, these snowflakes can’t fight a war without getting on their phones and calling air support or EOD robots to help them out. Google […]
FORT BENNING, Ga.—Researchers studying the superhuman physical stamina and questionable dental health of a group of 100 sergeants major has concluded that their success can be attributed, in part, to religious use of preworkout supplements. “Stores like GNC have been selling preworkout boosters as pills and powders for years, “ said Col. Ryan Madison, the […]
JOINT BASE LEWIS-MCCHORD, Wash.—U.S. Special Forces Command has announced Sgt. First Class Clifford Randall has been stripped of his Special Forces tab and Bronze Star as a result of an investigation surrounding his use of issued equipment during a 2017 deployment. Randall, a Special Forces soldier since 2005, lost all of his awards and accolades […]
ASGARD—Valhalla has been on lockdown for the past millennium, as warrior souls have been searching for the missing hammer of Thor, according to Valkyries close to the situation. “We narrowed down the possible location to a few billion cubic light years of empty space,” said Egil, legendary hero and brother of Wayland the Smith. “However, […]
JOINT BASE ANDREWS, Md.—In honor of Erectile Dysfunction Awareness Day, Joint Base Andrews commander Col. Richard Weinerstein has ordered all flags flown at half-staff. “Many of our airmen find this condition is hard,” said Weinerstein, “Or semi-hard.” MWR and family programs are supporting the day’s awareness events with a partially inflated bouncy house. “It’s time […]