Hangin' on Posco Pier!
WASHINGTON—According to a study released this week by the Partnership for Marriage, lesbians are in tough competition with Lance Corporals for the nation’s shortest engagements. “We were surprised how quickly lesbian couples could go from meeting each other to marriage,” said Nancy Elder, a spokeswoman for the group. “But when we started researching Lance Corporals […]
TOKYO—National Security Adviser John R. Bolton has spent the last week vacationing in Japan, according to sources close to the White House. He spent the last three days touring the “battlefields” of Hiroshima and Nagasaki, according to the sources. Hiroshima and Nagasaki are well known as the targets of U.S. atomic bombings in 1945 that […]
FORT KNOX, Ky.—Recruiting legend Staff Sgt. Rohman recently sat down to offer advice drawn from his experience working in military recruiting out of the strip mall, between the “adult toy” store and the off-brand donut shop. “We do this stuff with nearly every recruit these days.” Rohman says. “It all really depends on how many […]
WASHINGTON—Since 1775, the United States has had an Army, and for most of those 244 years it has been called the “United States Army.” But now the service will drop the words and initials from its title, calling itself simply “Army,” a radical rebranding campaign that some hope will distance Army from what a senior […]
When in the course of the division training schedule it becomes necessary to release the soldiery, sailory, and, er, Marinery on a 4-day weekend for this momentous July 4 holiday, marking the 243rd year of independence of these United States, it also becomes necessary for His Excellency, the Commander-in-Chief, to exhort you to practice the […]
THE PENTAGON—Sources say the newest Sergeant Major of the Army plans to field a throwback uniform to inspire pride within the ranks and prepare the Army for the impending wars with Iran, North Korea, Venezuela, Russia, China, and The Duchy of Monaco. “The ‘pinks and greens’ represent the last time the Army was truly great,” […]
In a major twist in the trial of a Navy SEAL accused of stabbing an ISIS prisoner to death, Chief Special Warfare Operator Eddie Gallagher has come forward with a new confession that has thrown prosecutors for a loop. “The ISIS prisoner that I stand accused of murdering is, in fact, still alive, and I […]
COLUMBIA, Mo.—A report commissioned by Granny and Poppop has found that family members unanimously blame you for your younger cousin Theo’s decision to enlist in the Marine Corps. The news comes in the wake of Theo’s announcement at the Memorial Day cookout that he had joined the Delayed Entry Program and would be shipping to […]