Hangin' on Posco Pier!
TRANQUILITY BASE—Fifty years after the first moon landing, astronaut and former Air Force pilot Buzz Aldrin has demanded that he be allowed to retrace his steps and look for his missing space canteen. “I’ve been getting my Medicare checks docked for years,” said Aldrin, nibbling on mint chocolate dehydrated ice cream in preparation for his […]
By Buzz Aldrin 50 years ago today, Neil Armstrong, Michael Collins, and I took part in one of the greatest adventures in the history of mankind. Together we landed on the moon, planted a flag, and drew a penis on the lunar surface. The world watched as Armstrong and I hopped off the lunar module […]
LAS VEGAS—Drone pilots will now be able to strike targets anywhere in the world from the comfort of their home. Citing increased flexibility for remotely piloted aircraft operators, Defense Press Secretary Charlie Summers unveiled a new telecommuting policy during a conference yesterday. “As long as the pilot has an internet connection they can operate their […]
FORT POLK, La.—Army Pvt.1st Class Sherman Williams shocked the local military community last night when he reportedly said he was nowhere near those awesome events, sources told Duffel Blog. “No shit, there I wasn’t,” Williams said, stunning a group of fellow junior enlisted personnel while downing his tenth can of Keystone Light. “When that detonation […]
FORT MEADE, Md.—The Army’s most elite cyber operations unit has requested a blanket exemption from conducting mandatory online training, according to several sources familiar with the matter. The 708th Cyber Brigade, colocated with U.S. Cyber Command at Fort Meade, is tasked with integrating and conducting cyberspace operations that maintain the Army’s freedom of action in […]
CAMP PENDLETON — A Marine colonel has left his mark on the Corps with an inspirational speech before he retired, telling the assembled Marines that they should always “do their best to honor the Corps’ legacy of not locking their knees and passing out” during this speech, sources confirmed today. “Marines, thank you so much […]
FORT BRAGG, N.C.—Pvt. Joe Jonathans recently returned from his nine-month deployment to Kuwait only to find his wife neck-deep in bed, covered in Jonathans’ Woobie. A soldier’s Woobie is the most sacred of all garments. More loyal than any dog, more reliable than the setting of the sun, and warmer than any Christmas sweater, the […]
FORT LEAVENWORTH, Kan.—The audiobook version of the Army’s operations manual, which will drive how the force fights in future large-scale combat operations, received its seventh download on iTunes earlier today, sources confirmed. “What we actually did was, we had regular soldiers read the document so it sounded just like, you know, soldiers hanging out in […]
TWENTYNINE PALMS, Calif.— First Lt. Connor Boyd, a weapons platoon commander with Kilo Company, 3rd Battalion, 7th Marines, spent this past Sunday nervously staring at his phone, waiting for the inevitable call from his platoon sergeant. Boyd explained, “I’ve been here for a year, and until recently, we had at least one incident every single […]
LUKE AFB, Ariz.—Tech. Sgt. Ashley Ferris’ bridesmaids are reeling after finding out what they would be wearing to her wedding this summer. In a sassy group message, Ferris revealed they would all need to get fitted for “super sexy MOPP gear.” Mission Oriented Protective Posture (MOPP) equipment is head-to-toe outerwear used to protect troops from […]