Hangin' on Posco Pier!
SOMEWHERE IN CYBERSPACE—Infamous military conspiracy theorist and U.S. Marine Corps veteran John Lazarus has a problem: He can’t believe it’s not butter. Moreover, Lazarus has a new theory that he’s been sharing across Reddit and the rest of the internet: It is butter. Lazarus recently told his dozen of followers, “I knew this one went […]
THE PENTAGON – Reporters and spectators crowded the River Parade Field as Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff Gen. Joseph Dunford, stood beside the president and CEO of Ford Motor Company, James Hackett. Behind them, a vehicle draped in camouflage netting cast a shadow of mystery over the two senior leaders. “Ford has always […]
CAMP PENDLETON, Calif.—The moment that installation commanders have been claiming would happen has finally taken place: A Marine wearing a reflective belt has been hit by a car. The car was totaled; the Marine and his reflective belt were completely fine. The event took place early this morning, as Sgt. Darrius Harington was running on […]
SHARANA, Afghanistan—Mohammad Omar confirmed in a press conference on Wednesday that the Taliban will not visit the White House if it the War on Terror. Omar cited numerous inflammatory tweets sent by President Donald Trump and the Taliban’s general “Death to America” stance as his reasons for not going. “I’m fighting for a fundamentalist Islamic […]
THE PACIFIC OCEAN—After years of warnings from Congress, the island of Guam has finally capsized, according to several Department of Defense officials familiar with the matter. Satellite imagery confirmed that the island disappeared into the Pacific Ocean early Thursday morning. There were no survivors. Senior defense officials say the island’s inversion was the result of […]
THE PENTAGON—Greg Jenson, a government contractor working on the Army staff, has yet to tell his coworkers, supervisors, or the ladies running the snack bar in his corridor that he is a retired colonel. Jenson retired from the Army after more than 30 years to spend time with his family, travel to non-third-world countries, and […]
WASHINGTON—Greenpeace released a statement today lauding the Iranian Revolutionary Guard Corps Navy for its “courageous and necessary” decision to seize two British-operated oil tankers in the Strait of Hormuz. The environmentalist group thanked its fellow ecoterrorists for taking direct action to disrupt the oil trade that is responsible for “destroying the ocean’s ecosystems, causing global […]
MENLO PARK, Calif.—Following the viral popularity of FaceApp, the newly released MILFace uses the latest artificial intelligence (AI) and facial recognition software to show civilians what they would look like if they had actually joined the military like they totally planned to do years ago. Using patented software, MILFace graphically alters a user’s photographs to […]
SYRIA — One of ISIS’s top performers was passed up for a promotion yesterday for failing to complete computer-based training on suicide awareness. The decision was internally leaked and is being widely criticized as a weak organizational push to get fighters to kill themselves. “I was in a CIA black site for the last three […]
CAMP LEJEUNE, N.C. — In a stunning rebuke of the Marine Corps’ “every Marine a rifleman” credo, trailblazing Pvt. First Class John Standle has rejected the label “rifleman.” Standle successfully graduated boot camp last month, proudly earning the title of “Marine.” However, after multiple failed attempts on the rifle range, he admitted he has always […]